Playing Risk Against My Dutch Family-In-Law

Playing Risk Against My Dutch Family-In-Law

The war had been raging for four hours and the casualties were high. Great Britain had fallen into the hands of my father-in-law (a fact which he delighted in reminding me and to which I had retaliated by taking Holland/North Europe). My wife controlled South America, I controlled North America and we both had armies in Africa. Europe was not particularly under anyone’s control and Australia and most of Asia were under the iron fist rule of my brother-in-law. My wife had not seemed keen on the idea of joining forces to crush her brother. Nor did she agree with my belief that she should simply let me ‘have’ South America under the ‘what’s mine is your’ law of marriage. It was the kind of epic game of Risk that they write war poetry about and ask questions about on history exam papers.

My forces along the border of North America were under attack. When the fighting had started it had suddenly become clear why my wife had turned down my earlier suggestion of an alliance. My beloved was the one attacking me. When my attempts at peaceful negotiations and compliments about her new hair failed to deter her from this course of action and threats to make her sleep on the couch also met with similar success (that argument never works on women) I was forced to take up arms and defend myself.

As our armies clashed upon the battlefield of cardboard I tried to rally my tiny plastic men with words of military encouragement. “Hold the line men! Stand your ground and we will share victory upon this day!” I shouted, along with similar lines of motivation as I rolled the dice.

One by one my tiny plastic soldiers fell upon the basic geographical representation of American soil on the Risk board. “Courage men! Courage! The day is not yet lost!” But I knew I was lying to them. I started to mentally compose telegrams of condolence to the tiny plastic families they left behind. Risk is not a game for the faint of heart.

When only one soldier remained defending the border of North America something happened. The dice rolls started to fall in my favor. My last little plastic soldier was fighting, fighting for all he was worth.

The dice were rolled. A six and a four versus a three and two ones. Two attackers down.

“You can do it! Do not give them one inch of ground!”

The dice were rolled again. Two fives versus a four and two twos. Two more attackers fell.

“Fight! Fight for all you are worth!” I was on my feet, cheering for my tiny plastic Rambo as he lay waste to the enemy.

I felt the excitement rising. Feelings of emotion and pride welled up inside me. The fighting became more and more intense. The clouds were drawing over the battlefield. The drums of war were beating. And then I was asked to turn off the epic battle music I had started playing from my ipod as it was proving a little too distracting no matter how much ‘atmosphere’ I thought it added.

Sadly Rambo, my brave little soldier who dared to say ‘No’ to the enemy was over powered and fell in battle shortly after that. With my main line of defense gone my wife marched her forces across the face of North America and I lost my mighty Empire of for the third and final time (to which it was also pointed out that constantly capturing and losing a continent hardly forms a stable basses of an empire). All hope was lost.

My wife (who under the rules of warfare was now also my ruler) proceeded to extended her control over Asia and secured her victory with a blitzkrieg attack that had surprised us all. They say it is healthy for couples to have some secrets from each other but somehow I don’t think they had plans for world domination in mind when they said that. Even if it is just in a game of Risk.

One day I will have my revenge.

20 responses to “Playing Risk Against My Dutch Family-In-Law”

  1. Alison says:

    Ah, Risk! I assume this match was played late at night and lasted as long as some cricket tournaments. At least that’s how I remember them being played my first year at university in the third-floor lounge of my dorm. ;) I guess that’s what happens when you have a bunch of students housed together due to their interest in politics and history.

    Sorry for the loss. I hope she’s not too brutal a ruler!

  2. Breigh says:

    Oh man I bet this all makes a lot more sense if you’ve ever played the game. I do believe we must make an appointment for you guys to teach me! :) I’ve heard about Risk loads but other than knowing it’s a game and now, that it’s about war, that’s all I know.

  3. Anneke says:

    Poor you, dethroned emperor… Even though technically you never had an empire. :P

  4. Invader Stu says:

    Alison – Oh yes, we thought we started at a reasonable time but ended up playing quite late into the morning.

    Breigh – I only just learned a few years ago. My family-in-law play all the time and they are really good at it. I’ve not won yet but one day… one day…

    Anneke – Kick a man while he’s down why don’t you :p

  5. Iooryz says:

    Well, i don’t think playing Diplomacy ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diplomacy_(game) ) would go verry well with you and your wife then ;)

  6. The Soul-Soother and I play a similar game involving dirty dishes. The loser gets to wash them. Or maybe it’s the winner, I’m not sure.

  7. French Bean says:

    World Domination, eh? Why am I suddenly reminded of Pinky and the Brain?

  8. Stephanie C says:

    I think a wife who held world domination over you is kind of hot.

    Call me crazy (hell, it wouldn’t be the first time someone did… ha!).

    I refuse to play this game with BF. I’d take it personally.

    You’ll get ’em next time!!

  9. Invader Stu says:

    Iooryz – I had a quick read through and it sounds like an interesting game. Maybe it would be a good one to play if we are ever having marriage problems.

    Unexpected Traveller – We play that two. I always win vacuum cleaning. My wife always winds laundry.

    French Bean – “I think I know why French Bean. Narf!”

    Stephanie C – I’m not sure if she would be interested in playing the naughty world leader dress up game but I guess I could ask.

  10. Wezz6400 says:

    Your performance is completely unacceptable. Not only did you fail to beat your wife (at the game ;) ), you also failed to defend the holy lowlands. Such failure can only be compensated in one way, and one way only. A rematch, in order to give your wife the opportunity to humiliate you again.

    On a more serious note, I love these kinds of blogposts. Keep up the good work!

  11. Invader_Stu says:

    Wezz6400 – I don’t know if I can handle more humiliation. I’ve not won a game yet.

  12. Wezz6400 says:

    I don’t think you understand how this works. I want to read more stories like this, so you need to be humiliated some more. So get to it. Chop, chop! ;-)

    Besides, experience from playing RTS games has tought me that if you play long enough eventually there will be a game where the people with experience screw up and the new guy has learned enough to make use of that. Keep going, and some day you’ll win.

  13. dragonlady says:

    Love the music, though it did sort of remind me if River Dance.

  14. dragonlady says:

    Sorry forgot to say, brilliant blog as usual, I was in stitches.

  15. Invader Stu says:

    Wezz6400 – Oh if there is one thing I am not sort of it’s stories were I am either humiliated or embarrassed in some way :p

    Dragonlady – Thank you :)

  16. Avalon says:

    Love the music, the best soundtrack for a epic rambo battle.
    Just a tip for the next Risk adventure … blackmail … it happens with goverments all over the world, so why not during a game of risk ;)

  17. Valentijn says:

    She might have shown some mercy if you didn’t threaten bed-eviction. The bed is girl-controlled territory. Guys get the tool shed and utility closet.

  18. Invader Stu says:

    Avalon – I think you are on to something there. I think I’m going to play the next game sneaky :)

    Valentijn – That hardly seems fair. I don’t think it will work if I tell her she is not allowed in the tool shed because she did something bad.

  19. Keith says:

    I’m not familiar with that game, but I do remember that we had cards in Monopoly. There were cards for “Go to Jail”, “Get out of Jail free” etc., I think you should have cards in Risk, or whatever it’s called, with something like “You have just nuked the enemy. Game over!” or “You have just run away! They win, you coward!”. Maybe even “It’s your turn to make the tea”.

  20. Heather says:

    You make this game sound so fun. I may have to give in and agree to play it!

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