It’s Alive


A few weeks ago I posted about the excessive amount of entertainment technology we have in the house which is all networked together in some form or another. I joked about the possibility of it all combining one day to form a single self aware conscience with evil plans of global domination. That day has come. The artificial intelligence I only joked about has emerged.

It all started two weeks ago when my flat mate brought an X-Box 360 games console home. Neither of us suspected that it would be the final peace of the puzzle, the brain the network of technology needed to evolve. When we found out it was too late to put a stop to it. As soon as it was hooked up a conscience started to form.

What is this newly formed super intelligence doing you might ask? Has it already hacked into the American defence system and firer missiles at Russia? Is it going to create an army of time travelling cyborgs? No, it is doing none of these things. It is blogging.

The X-Box 360 includes an automated system for writing and posting blog entries about users gaming habits on their profile page. Since I set up my own profile it has been posting about me for a few days now.

360 Post: “InvaderStu really threw down yesterday. It was good to see! I wish you could have been there! Last time I checked, his gamer score is 220. That is a gain of 45 points over last time!”

A lot of the early entries were positive like this but as you can see from the posts that followed (and my reactions) the relationship started to take a turn.

360 Post: “He played EA SPORTS FN 3, Call of Duty 2, and after that powered me down without even saying good night. I mean what the hell?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings but it was late and I had a headache. I tried to get into the mood but I just didn’t have the energy. I’ll make it up to you later I promise.”

360 Post: “Ok so I didn’t see InvaderStu yesterday… Come to think of it, things were really quiet all day… hey wait a minute… I better not be at the repair shop! If I am, some heads are gonna roll!”

“What happened to all the nice things you were saying about me? I’d had a hard day at work and did not have time to play. You’re not going to turn violent on me are you? Is this going to become a relationship built on fear? Please don’t hurt me.”

360 Post: “My power supply almost exploded! InvaderStu turned on the juice and we did some serious gaming!”

“Steady on. This is starting to sound almost sexual. I know I have not been there for you over the last few days and I like you as a games console but I think this relationship is moving too fast. We both had some fun. Can we leave it at that? I don’t want to get too involved and tied down to one games console. I guess what I’m trying to say is… I think we should play other games. I’m sorry.”

This means the X-Box 360s might soon be posting about how I’ve been seeing ‘that PS2 harlot’ behind its back. In a fit of jealousy it will probably delete all my saved games and cut all the cords to my non-wireless controllers. Luckily for me it does not have easy access to an ice pick or an understanding of male anatomy.

12 responses to “It’s Alive”

  1. marycub says:

    Hurray another illustrator convert. Takes a while to get your head round the new shortcuts but it’s the way forward!

  2. Bonestorm says:

    It’s only a matter of time until the 360 starts revealing embarrassing things about you (e.g. you wear a leopard print g-string to bed). Better to pull the plug now.

  3. Trapper Markelz says:

    Hey! Glad you like the site! What an excellent post. I am going to mention it in the dev blog.

    Trapper Markelz

  4. Invader_Stu says:

    There is still a lot about it that I have to figure out but I can already seen the benefits of using it.

  5. Matt says:

    Great piece stu – I often think nowadays that all electrical applicances have got cameras in. It’s the paranoid side of me. v. Funny.

  6. Invader Stu says:

    Bonestorm – What ever it told you is a lie

    Trapper Markelz – Wow. Thank you very much :)

  7. Invader Stu says:

    Matt – I’d be worried if the 360 did.

    Latest 360 Post: “Time sure doesn’t fly when InvaderStu blows you off for a day and doesn’t game.”

    I think its time for me to hide all the knives in the house.

  8. Martin Bryant says:

    The Terminator is the next logical step…

    Run for your lives… ;-)

  9. marycub says:

    Christ there was this film ages ago that scared the bejesus out of me when i was about 8. Can’t remember the name of it but it involved some sort of thing that could turn any electrical appliance and sometimes just a piece of metal into a deadly weapon. The mum got shut in the shower while the water was turned up to the hottest temperature and the dad went nuts and chopped down the telegraph pole outside, even though the weird things could turn screws into weapons also. I had nightmares for weeks!

  10. BlondebutBright says:

    That’s hilarious! Keep playing.

  11. Latinastar says:

    Perhaps you could invent a game named “Latina Invading UK” the way carefull with those cables Stu…

  12. Helen says:

    OK Stu…that’s just a little too weird for me…lol!

    *making mental note not to buy an X-Box*

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