Summer Ransom

Summer Ransom

Dear Holland,

I am holding your summer captive. If you ever want to see it again you will meet with my demands. If my demands are not met you will never get to wear that new bikini you just bought to the beach. I know you are Dutch and will most likely go to the beach in the freezing cold anyway but you know what I mean.

To prove to you that I am serious I have enclosed ten minutes of partly sunny weather between out bursts of rain, just enough to make you think wearing shorts was a good idea this morning.

Now that I have your attention my demands are as follows:

1) My own windmill.
2) A canal named after me.
3) A lifetime’s supply of Speculoos.
4) Tea to be served as god intended, with milk and sugar.
5) A pair of clogs (size 41).
6) My upstairs neighbours to stop having loud noisy ‘intimate time’.
7) A very large wheels of cheese.

An address for a drop of point will be sent later.

Do not call the cops. If I see any cops your summer will become a victim of ‘global warming’ if you know what I mean and that large amount of money you just spent on that air conditioning installation will become a very poor investment indeed.

Kind regards
The kidnapper

37 responses to “Summer Ransom”

  1. Vico says:

    smart and brilliant, but… WE WILL FIND YOU !!!

  2. Dragonlady says:

    Do you have confederates holding us to ransom in Britain as well? Is this going to become a global thing?

  3. Invader Stu says:

    Vico – You’ll never take me alive.

    Dragonlady – If I say yes am I getting sent to bed with out dinner?

  4. Amanda says:

    I may just go steal summer from Vermont. They’ve been having 32 degrees C weather and sun.

  5. Invader Stu says:

    Amanda – No fair. You can’t undo my plan by stealing another countries summer… er… I mean… You can’t undo the kidnappers plan…

  6. Anke says:

    I’m coming home this week and I’ll try to bring some sunny weather with me, over here in Missouri, USA we can certainly miss a couple of degrees (It’s 33 degrees already and it’s before noon!)

  7. Invader Stu says:

    Anke – I never thought this plan would be so easily over thrown. I will have to stop you you do realize :p

  8. Wendi says:

    I do not know what a Speculoo is, but I think I need one.

  9. Leti Locatelli says:

    This post is too good to be true! I read it to my dutch boyfriend but for some reason he didn’t find it so funny as I did! hahaha
    Greetings from Holland!

  10. Lopa says:

    I am not Dutch and so it is not possible for me to go to beach in freezing cold, so can you please spare some sunmer sun this side?
    I promise not to share it with my Dutch colleagues ;)

  11. Chris V says:

    You make the exact same complaint people here in Seattle have been making.

  12. Invader_Stu says:

    Wendi – It’s the most addictive thing in the world. You need it:

    Leti Locatelli – He must have really been looking forward to the summer.

    Lopa – Hhhhmmmm… I don’t know. you might not intentionally share it but there will be other people around you.

    Chris V – I kidnapped their summer too.

  13. Alison says:

    I guess negotiations are being made, since there’s talk of 28C later this week. Quite the change from the 9C it was this morning. This has been one of the weirder summers so far.

  14. Invader Stu says:

    Alison – A friend of mine put it into perspective last night. He said that yesterday was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year and the half way marker of summer. Meaning we are supposed to have had some summer already and we don’t have less left :(

  15. Keith says:

    Do you know vot ve do to kidnappers venn ve kapture zem?
    No? So you vont even tell us zat?

    (Sorry old bean, but I can’t do a Dutch accent, will German do?)

  16. Invader Stu says:

    Keith – I’ll never talk. Do your worst.

  17. Veronica says:

    Please elaborate on that bikini part. Will “Holland” not get to wear a bikini, or is it ALL inhabitants of Holland that does not get to wear a bikini? If it is the inhabitants – is stopping them from wearing a bikini such a bad thing? I’m not sure if I see that as a threat. And about the Speculoos – they do not exist here in Sweden, but I have a flemish colleague who brought a package to work. I ate 2 and I’m addicted. I WANT MORE!!!!!

  18. Invader Stu says:

    Veronica – It’s all inhabitants as they will all experience the same lack of summer. However, the Dutch being the Dutch they are more likely to ignore the fact that it is cold and wear a bikini anyway.

  19. Yorrick says:

    1. Modern or classic?
    2. Any specific canal you want to be named after you?
    3. No problem, two jars a week?
    4. God likes his tea plain, he’s brave.
    5. (sends notice to Staatsbosbeheer to fell the largest oaktrees in the country) might take some time.
    6. *Nudge nudge wink wink* Or would you like to have a surveillance camera installed in their bedr… oh wait you’re British. We’ll ask them to tone it down.
    7. Ah… yes… we’re terrible sorry but we’re right out of them, we… ehm… sold them all, that’s rightwe sold them all… to the… eh… eh… Americans

  20. Invader Stu says:


    1) Classic
    2) A good one. A big one.
    3) You obviously don’t know how big my addiction is.
    4) Lies!
    5) The longer it takes the less summer you get.
    6) Yes please… to the toning down.
    7) Nnnnnooooooooooo!!!

  21. Anneke says:

    Hahaha! If you kidnap our summer, I’ll kidnap your spring. That’s right, spring! No flowers, no green, no newborn lambs, no baby birds! Take that, you thief! Haha! *evil laugh, mustache twirling ‘n stuff*

  22. Invader Stu says:

    Anneke – I wont be in London in Spring much so your threat does not scare me :p

  23. VallyP says:

    Done! where do I sign?? A decent summer is worth any ransom…hmmm, I’m not Dutch…does that count?

  24. Invader_Stu says:

    VallyP – As long as I get what I want it counts. I’ll expect delivery soon.

  25. Just a Plane Ride Away says:

    Heh heh! I say those are reasonable demands.

  26. Invader Stu says:

    Just a Plane Ride Away – Me too. It’s a good thing someone gave in in time as well. Holland now has some summer. I can’t be held responsible for what ever summer or lack there of you find in England :p

  27. Wezz6400 says:

    Noooooooooooo! Someone gave in. I liked the cold so much, it reminded me of fall.

    Now that the longest day of the year has passed I’m looking forward to winter, and I hope it’ll be as good as last years. Yes, I mean that. No, I’m not crazy. Well… perhaps I am, but not because I prefer winter over summer.

  28. Invader Stu says:

    Wezz6400 – I would say you might be crazy because of heat stroke but that would have required Holland to have some heat first.

  29. VallyP says:

    It’s been just perfect today Stu…I must have paid enough, right?

  30. Inaie says:

    Here!! Please come to Bahrain and kidnap OUR sun!!! Summer is not at full blast yeat and we already reach high 40 C …

    Kidnappers, come to bahrain now!!!!

  31. Dave Hampton says:

    If you release summer, we will stop the beesies from multiplying in your grocery bags and apartments. Otherwise, we will introduce two new day-glo colours next week and extend the promotion until Christmas.

  32. Dragonlady says:

    Summer is here, the threat of sending you to bed with no dinner must have worked

  33. Invader_Stu says:

    VallyP – For now Vally… For now.

    Inaie – I think I’ll suffer bad sunburn if I try to kidnap that one :p

    Dave Hampton – Mahahah. What you don’t know is I am trying to collect them so I can build an army.

    Dragonlady – It always does

  34. French Bean says:

    Hm. Making a ransom note to a country is not such a bad idea. Perhaps I should do the same thing with France…(although I wouldn’t mind eating some gouda right now).

    -French Bean

  35. Invader Stu says:

    You could hold them ransom for lots gouda. Think big.

  36. JohnD says:


  37. Sheila Sens says:

    You crack me up every single time I read your blog!
    Try it in Brazil, you will get even a World Cup trophy to have the summer back ;)

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