The Warrior’s Code – Ten Ways To Deal With Mosquito Attacks

How To Deal With Mosquito

The warrior is always ready for battle when the summer months descend upon him. The warrior is strong. The warrior is brave. The warrior is noble. The warrior knows his enemy. And above all else the warrior lives by the code:

Ten Ways To Deal With Mosquito Attacks

1) The warrior will dedicate ten minutes of every night to standing on the bed in his underwear so he might hunt the enemy before he rests his head upon his pillow.

2) The warrior will smite the enemy wherever they are found; on the curtain, by the light fitting, on Mr Fluffykins the bear, on his own face.

3) The warrior is highly skilled with all weapons of combat; the rolled up news paper, the sock, the opened hand, the deodorant plus lighter.

4) The warrior will not raise his hand in anger against innocent bugs of the non-blood sucking kind. Especially the noble spider who is his ally against the true enemy (and technically an arachnid, not a bug).

5) The warrior will sleep lightly, with one ear opening, listening for the buzz of the enemy, ready to swat at the air.

6) The warrior will protect his woman by producing higher amounts of carbon dioxide, octenol and other compounds that attract the enemies’ bites.

7) The warrior will protect himself with the armor of battle; the pillow over the head.

8) The warrior will curse the name of the enemy with his every breath.

9) The warrior will treats his itchy red wounds of battle the next morning with soothing cream.

10) The warrior will wear his itchy red wounds of battle with pride and compare the amount and locations with other warriors when telling tales of heroism.

And above all else; The warrior will not scratch… He never scratches.

26 responses to “The Warrior’s Code – Ten Ways To Deal With Mosquito Attacks”

  1. Alison says:

    I’m one of the fortunate ones that doesn’t attract mosquitoes, but I’m now sympathetically itchy after reading about your brave battles. Maybe this cold snap will kill them off again.

  2. Dan Potter says:

    The warrior will install screens over the windows?

  3. Invader Stu says:

    Alison – I’m hoping so to. I don’t know if I will live through another summer like last summer.

    Dan – It is a fine plan.

  4. Lopa says:

    hehe… we have fought so many wars back home, here it feels like retired warrior… last few years have been war free ;)
    Touch wood :o)

  5. Invader Stu says:

    Lopa – I don’t think I would survive your home town in that case. They are already driving me nuts here.

  6. Anneke says:

    I feel your pain, trust me. I’m allergic to all kinds of bugbites, meaning normal mosquitoes give me huge bumps and it itches like hell. Woe is me etc. I’m no warrior though, more a killer of convenience. :P

  7. Sharon says:

    You will scratch, you know you will.
    It’s like putting a fruit pastille in your mouth an not chewing.
    Must…. scratch….. can.. not….. resist…..!…… aaaahhhhhhhhh

  8. Heather says:

    Try putting Vicks Vaporub on your mosquito bites…it takes away the itch and invest in a good electric tennis racket bug zapper.

  9. mub says:

    I have so far managed to avoid the mosquitoes but I don’t think that will be the case for long!

  10. Breigh says:

    Is it just me or does our neighbourhood have an abnormal amount of mosquitoes? Where the hell do they come from??
    If you search for mosquito on my blog you’ll find more than a few rants, that’s for sure. We just had the guys from Hubo (they are up sort of behind Spinozaweg) over to measure our balcony doors for screens. I’ve had enough.
    I’ve tried every weapon out there, my favorite yet is the vacuum. They cannot escape, no mosquito is strong enough to fly away from the suction. It’s fantastic!

  11. Invader_Stu says:

    Anneke – I feel for you. It itches like hell for me and I’m not even allergic as far as I know.

    Sharon – Damn you for leading me into scrating temptation… I was too weak… *sob*

    Heather – Thanks. I’ll try both those things.

    mud – Yep. It’s only just that start. Although, it did start raining today so maybe I was calling it summer a little too soon.

    Breigh – I so have to try the vacuum cleaner. Maybe I’ll get a little battery powered hand one to show them who is boss.

    And yes, there is a bizzarly high amount of them around here.

  12. Anita says:

    Ouch !
    Try eating garlic(y) foods, it may become your secret weapon.
    I’m always ok about the mosquitoes around here, in Brazil they are rather like helicopters.

  13. Breigh says:

    I find it’s best if you take the roller part off so you just have the long tube section of the vaccuum. Then you sort of JAB it at the spot where the mozzie is and he gets sucked right in. It’s best when you see them try to fly away but get sucked back in. An evil cackle fits great in that moment!

  14. Dragonlady says:

    I Know who Alex is but who is Mrs Fluffykins the bear.

  15. Dragonlady says:

    Sorry I meant MR Fluffykins

  16. Invader Stu says:

    Anita – I love garlic so I don’t mind trying it

    Breigh – I’m liking the sound of this more and more

    Dragonlady – He’s a friend of Alex :)

  17. Keith says:

    Any mossie that sucks my blood dies a horrible death, writhing in agony on the pillow while I watch with a smile on my face. You see, the poor little bastard didn’t know that there is a huge amount of rat poison (Warfarin)in my blood that my sadistic doctor prescribed for my dicky-ticker.

  18. Invader Stu says:

    Can I borrow some of your meds to make my attackers suffer the same fate

  19. Aledys Ver says:

    oh, dear! I hope that now with the temperatures going down those buggery bugs are gone?
    Anyway, should the war continue – how about trying to catch one and going “bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz” in its ear and see how it likes it!!

  20. Invader Stu says:

    I would need to find some way to inflict itchy bites on it too.

  21. Bart says:

    The modern warrior uses chemical weapons of mass mosquito destruction to get a good night’s sleep.
    Or he sleeps under a mosquito net. BTW, they come in two-person size too.

  22. Just a Plane Ride Away says:

    LOL! But oh, they *are* awful! Not as bad as in Texas, but definitely worse than the anemic ones in England. I am hoping that the storm killed them off last weekend, but I’m sure they will be back with a vengeance.

  23. kiks says:

    I missed this post! Oh, Stu, you crack me up.

  24. Invader Stu says:

    Bart – I had chemical weapons of mass mosquito destruction but EU mosquito inspectors came in and took them away.

    Kiks – thanks :)

  25. Jules says:

    #6–Are you and my boyfriend related somehow?

  26. Invader Stu says:

    I think this is just a misfortune that all men have

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