Intoxicated Confusion

Anyone who has ever overindulged in the consumption of alcoholic beverages will have more then a passing familiarity with the condition known scientifically as drunkenness. Symptoms can include slurred speech, impaired balance, poor coordination, reduced inhibition, memory loss and uncharacteristic behavior. In my case this list also includes the rather odd ability to get inanimate objects and their functions mixed up.

A few years ago after a night of drinking I found myself having great difficulty opening my front door. Normally this could be blamed on the degradation of coordination coursed mainly by the consumption of alcohol. However, I think at the time my problem was else where. The main root of my dilemma (if I had to guess) might have had something to do with the fact that I was attempting to open the lock with a 50p coin. After a while I realized my mistake put the 50p away and took a 20p coin from the collection of currency in my hand and tried that instead.

I know I did this because when my parents heard what probably sounded like an incompetent burglar they opened the door to investigate and found me. They asked me what I was doing to which I replied with a slur, “I’m trying… to f-find… the… r-right one to open the… door.”

Either my intoxicated brain had mistakenly thought the front door worked on a coin slot system or maybe I was planning to melt the coins down in some kind of MacGyver or A-Team fashion to forge a new key. All that matters is my parents had a lot of fun retelling the story to family members to embarrass me.

However, when I returned home drunk again a few months later I had learned from my mistake. Realizing I was far too drunk to attempt opening the door again I decided to delegate that responsibility to my friend who had accompanied me and seemed far more sober. I handed him the keys happy in the knowledge that I had save myself from an embarrassing repeat of the previous events. At least I might have if I had not handed him my bank card instead of my actual keys.

It must have seemed like I was suggesting that he slide the card between the lock and the door frame, allowing us to slip in like cat burglars. Luckily he was sober enough to inform me of my inebriated mistake. When we finally got inside I am happy to say I did not try to make hot drinks by putting tea bags in the washing machine.

Although it might seem like I have an almost Freudian association between keys and money these moments of confusion have not been limited to keys alone. After a night at a friends house that involved a few movies and a rather large bottle of Vodka things got very confusing for me and probably the driver of the bus I was trying to get home.

When I stumbled onto the bus the driver asked me to show my bus pass. I started to rummage around in my bag looking for it but suddenly produced a copy of A Bugs Life on VHS cassette instead which I then proceeded to present to him. He was obviously not impressed with my taste in movies and informed me that I still had to pay. I then found out he was not a fan of Toy Story either. Eventually my friend had to pay my fair because I found the task far too confusing in my intoxicated state and I was running out of videos to impress the driver with.

It’s probably a good idea that I have never tried to write a blog post after a few drinks. I might end up attempting to type it on the microwave or even the cat.

19 responses to “Intoxicated Confusion”

  1. Tenakalaz says:

    money can open a lot of doors stu…. but there are limits

  2. BlondebutBright says:

    Hilarious! Don’t try that bus routine here, though – you’ll probably find yourself in jail for insubordination!

  3. Invader Stu says:

    Tenakalaz – I think my parents missed an operatunity to charge me an entrance fee…. come to think of it, how do I know they didn’t?

    BlondebutBright – That would not surprise me. I was on a tram yesterday with the most strict operator I have ever seen. She started shouting at people for just looking like they were going to try and exit through the entrance only door.

  4. Tess says:

    Did you ever try this the other way around? Pay at a restaurant by handing over your key to the waitress? I’ll bet she’ll let you get away with it… ;)

  5. Ash says:

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…

    Atleast you didn’t have to go to a pay toilet!

  6. Peri says:

    Oh my gosh, that’s too funny!

  7. Invader Stu says:

    Tess – It would be the strangest chat up line of all time :p

    Ash – I hate to think what I would have done if I had.

    Peri – Thanks :)

  8. ChickyBabe says:

    I love the cross-eyed Stu. And you’re such a good story teller! You should try writing a drunken post, complete with comic. that would be a hoot!

  9. Invader Stu says:

    ChickyBabe – It would be a scary experiment full of miss spellings and confusion.

  10. VallyP says:

    Just as well you didn’t ask that bus driver if you pay your way by driving instead! Great images Stu…but not sure how your parents felt about having their house treated like a slot machine ;-)

  11. Invader Stu says:

    VallyP – I think they got a good laugh out of it or they were embarrassing me by re-telling the story as pay back.

  12. VallyP says:

    When I was a student, I went to a fireworks party, and as soon as I arrived, some drunken welshman decided it was fun to throw bottles out of windows – just when I happened to be standing underneath. I ended up in hospital having stitches for the wound, but did my parents believe I was an innocent by-stander? No, they did not! They decided I’d been drunk under a table and the bottle had fallen off the top and hit me that way. Even worse, they humiliated me at many a gathering with this story. Shocking isn’t it? There’s just no justice in this world!

  13. Tatyanna says:

    haha The idea of typing on the cat cracked me up. My cat sits next to me while I am online. I now have a great mental picture to make me laugh each time she does it. Now…the idea of drunk blogging is an interesting(and tempting) one… Hmm….

  14. Invader Stu says:

    VallyP – Ouch. that must have hurt.

    Tatyanna – The cat likes to jump up on my lap while I’m at the computer so it would be an easy mistake to make.

  15. Matt says:

    Stu,

    I too have ‘drunken incapacity syndrome’ – I take great pride in my ability to leave an oven on for 20 minutes only to realise that I didn’t put that pizza in it. My other talent is the putting on of bed clothes. I’m a big fan of the back to front inside out look that you only get after a big night out.

    Sorry I’ve been away a while. Like the site design. M.

  16. Miss Evvil says:

    ROTFLMAO!!!! This one was just too funny :D As its easter I don’t have the problem with my employer sacking me, but life isn’t easy when you blurt wine all over your screen either :P

  17. Invader Stu says:

    Matt – Better to do it when you’re going to bed then when you are going out :p

    Miss Evvil – Does wine make a good screen cleaner?

  18. JB says:

    Came into work this morning with a monumental hangover.

    As I was going through my e-mail with a cup of coffee on one side of the desk and a box of MM’s on the other side: One zip of coffee, a couple of MM’s and so on.

    At some point, I felt my fingers getting in contact with something wet and warm. I had mistaken the cup of coffee for my box of MM’s.

    slightly embarrasing.

  19. Victoria says:

    Ha ha ha, that’s really funny!

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