The Dutch Fleet

Dutch Fleet

Crew Members Log:
Conditions on board the tour boat are harsh. We have been patrolling the canals of Amsterdam for 20 minutes now and supplies are running low. There are only two French audio guide books and none for the Japanese. Some of us are starting to wonder if we will ever see dry land again.

We just past the Oudezijds Achterburgwal, the oldest canal in Amsterdam and once home to 16 different convents and monasteries.

I’ve heard some of the men telling stories to pass the time, unnatural, dreadful stories that would chill you to the bone. They talk about a ghost ship that sails through the canals of Amsterdam known as ‘The touring Dutchman’. They say it is an omen of doom and the bringer of bad tourist season weather. Hopefully it is a ship we will never meet but judging by the weather I fear it might be trailing our wake.

We just passed the oldest Church in Amsterdam, originally built in 1306.

When we stepped on board this tour boat each one of us swore to loyally follow our tour guide without question (until the Q&A at the end) and defend the waters of this great country, its Queen and its people in keeping with the traditions of the of the great Dutch fleets of old but as tourists I wonder how much fighting spirit we truly have amongst us.

We just passed the former headquarters of the colonial East India Company, now home to the University of Amsterdam library.

I don’t know what I would do if we were ever to engage in combat. I try not to imagine it but the scenarios start to play themselves out with in my mind. Epic and bloody battles, the madness of war, our tour guide pointing out areas of strategic interest; “If you look to your right you will see a fleet of attacking Spanish tour boats, the largest known of its kind.”

Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps me going is the promised reward of a souvenir photograph for the reasonable price of 12.99 (4.99 for reprints) in return for our loyalty and bravery.

Amsterdam Dutch Fleet
The Old meets the new – The inspiration for this post

20 responses to “The Dutch Fleet”

  1. Lizzy says:

    Where do you come up with this stuff? lol very funny and clever!

  2. Invader Stu says:

    I think it has something to do with a head injury I sustained somewhere in my life

  3. Aledys Ver says:

    Very good post!
    Glad to hear it ended well and were not spotted by Dutch Admiral Michiel de Ruyter… but maybe he was too busy dying his hair for the next parliamentary elections…

  4. Invader Stu says:

    Hehehe. That almost looks like a real campaign image… wait… is it?

  5. Dragonlady says:

    you sustained the head injury while chasing your Grt Aunts dog around her living room and missjudged the distance going through the door.I’m glad it did some good.

  6. Invader Stu says:

    That was the head injury I had in mind. It’s funny that we were thinking about the same one considering how many there have been… oh ok… I’m exaggerating… a little.

  7. Anneke says:

    Oh dear Stu! I hope you didn’t have to deal with all the horrors of scurvy and/or amputated limbs! *dreads the answer, lest she falls into a deadly swoon* ;)

  8. Wezz6400 says:

    Don’t forget about the mighty pirates on the black ship behind you, with a guy on top screaming “Where’s Stu! I’m gonna kill him so I can take his job! Arrrrrrrrrr!”. The one which I’m not associated with in any way. Arrrr.

  9. Invader Stu says:

    Anneke – Like I did not but there was one man who made the mistake of drinking the canal water… we… we don’t like to talk about what happened to him.

    Wezz6400 – I belive that is the plot to the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

  10. Alison says:

    Great post and great inspirational photo! There is something kind of enjoyable about imagining a tourist boat suddenly overtaken in some great historical ship battle!

  11. Invader Stu says:

    Alison – They would be perfect because of their length. Imagine two canal tour boats pulling up along side each other in broad side ship to ship combat and opening fire with their cannons.

  12. Tom says:

    a random comment, I know, but I love the artistic styling of this blog! great job :)

  13. Invader Stu says:

    Tom – Thank you. I never mind random comments like that.

  14. Jill @ Teenage Bride says:

    Oh my gosh. I came by just to say thank you for stopping by my blog. I started reading your post and could not stop laughing. You have an awesome job by the way, game designer WOW!!!

    You have a gift my friend, being this funny through writing is pure talent! Love the blog, I truly do.
    <3 Jill

  15. Invader Stu says:

    Thank you Jill you are very kind :)

  16. VallyP says:

    What a bunch of wimps your crew was….! I’ve been patrolling the Harbours in Rotterdam during the recent outbursts of revolting orange coated peasants who keep besieging the quays here….for some strange reason they keep throwing gold coloured flaming liquid in the air and shouting ‘hup..hup…holland!!’ Now if you really want to protect king (sorry queeen) and country, I suggest you come here and do some real defending like me…;-)

  17. VallyP says:

    PS Great post Stu, love the sense of history and menace…or should that be menacing history?

  18. Invader Stu says:

    I don’t know Vally. The waters of Rotterdam sound like a very dangerous place but I guess I could give it a go :p

  19. Kelly says:

    If you looking for a REAL tour boat adventure, I’d like to recommend the canal boat tour in Alkmaar. The tour is not as educational as the one in Amsterdam but ducking under every low-lying bridge for fear of losing your head more than makes up for it!

  20. Invader Stu says:

    Kelly – I like the sound of it. Tours are much more interesting when there is a danger of decapitation. Alkmaar is a nice place to.

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