Mon
10 Nov

Lies About The English

1) The English are only polite to hide the terrible secret they keep.

2) Contrary to popular belief the English did not invent the English language. They simply found it in a book one day.

3) The English have very strict rules about queuing. Anyone who is caught breaking those rules is held in the tower of London indefinitely.

4) No one knows where the Thames River came from. It simply appeared over night in 1972.

5) It is always raining in England. Any photo you have seen to the contrary has been altered in photoshop.

6) Downton Abby is an accurate depiction of modern day England.

7) Everyone in England must wear bowler hats. It is the law.

8) The English don’t need to spell things differently. They just like to annoy the Americans.

9) If an Englishman ever offers you the last biscuit do not take it. It is a test and if you take it you will fail.

10) If an Englishman ever turns something down out of politeness it is secretly the thing they desire the most.

11) The easiest way to trap two Englishman in one location is to present them with an open door. They will become stuck in a politeness loop as they take turns in saying, “No. I insist. After you.”

12) Tea is a highly addictive drug. The English don’t actually like drinking it but they can’t kick the habit either.

13) And most importantly of all; none of which you have just read is the terrible secret which the English hide behind their politeness.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

What to know more? Check out more lies about the Dutch and the English:
Lies about the Dutch
More Lies about the Dutch
Even More Lies About The Dutch
Some More Lies About The Dutch
Lies about the English
More Lies about the English
– Even More Lies About The English

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Tue
28 Oct
Halloween in Holland
“By the time we realized anything was wrong it was too late. Holland was the first to fall.”
Happy Halloween from Invading Holland.
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Wed
22 Oct

English Quote

THE WIFE
“Ugh. I just can’t seem to speak right English today.”

ME
“You seem to be doing fine to me.”

THE WIFE
“You’re just say that. English is easy for you since it’s your first language.”

ME
“Yeah but just because I’m English does not mean I’m good at speaking it.”

THE WIFE
“But you should at least be better at speaking English than you can Dutch.”

ME
“Not necessarily. English or Dutch. I’ll freely mess up both. I don’t limit my linguistic errors to just one language.”

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Mon
6 Oct

Patat Zonder

“Patat zonder alstublieft,” I asked the girl behind the counter of the train station snack bar.

There was a brief look of confusion that flashed across her face.

“Patat zonder,” she repeated in a way that suggested the words felt strange coming out of her mouth.

It was a reaction I had become use to. The Dutch are deeply confused by anyone who would want to order fries without mayonnaise. I think they sometimes forget that the two can exist independently of each other.

Since I didn’t do anything to correct my order (even after the rather obvious pause she had left) she turned around and started to scoop up some fries. A moment later she turned around again with them in a little cardboard container. I reached out to take them but she had already automatically moved towards the mayonnaise dispenser, either out of habit or out of the strong belief that I really did want or needed mayonnaise.

“Wilt u mayonaise?” she asked, her hand hovering just above the mayonnaise plunger.

Could she really have forgotten my mayonnaise free request already? Was she blocking it out? Was she unable to mental process it? Or was she simply waiting for me to correct my earlier mistake? It was one of the strangest Mexican stand offs I have ever been in.

“Nee dank u,” I replied quickly (and slightly too loudly) before it was too late. I was sure she had been about to push the plunger.

The girl looked deeply confused by my response. Why didn’t I want mayonnaise? Didn’t I like it? Was that kind of thing even possible? Luckily for me she managed to come to terms with my decision and slowly put my fries up on the counter.

“1.20 alstublieft.”

I handed over the money, surprised that she didn’t automatically charge me the extra 20 cents for mayonnaise in her confusion.

“Fijne avond,” she wished me as she returned my change.

“Fijne avond,” I wished her, hoping that she would recover from this traumatic experience.

As I turned around and started to walk away with my mayonnaise free fries I heard the next person in the queue step up to the counter and place their order.

“Patat met alstublieft.”

Balance was restored once again.

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Fri
26 Sep

If you look up the word ‘dus’ in a Dutch-to-English language book it will tell you that it translates into the word ‘so’. However, this is a terrible over simplification. The word ‘dus’ is used by the Dutch to communicate a wide range of thoughts, feels, emotions, insights, desires and meanings that are not covered by this simple translation. Today we will look at a few of its many meanings:

Angry Dus 1

The Short Dus (Direct)

The short ‘dus’ communicates anger. It is often used to punctuate the end of an argument and declare ones self the winner. It is supposed to be the final word that crushes the opponent and signal that it is either time to storm out of the room or slam down the phone.

Meaning: This argument is over! I win!
Example: I’m right. You’re wrong. Plus you’re an a**hole. Dus!

Angry Dus 2

The Short Dus (Indirect)

This version of the short ‘dus’ is similar to the previous but it is used when re-telling the argument to a friend who did not witness the original fight. It still communicates anger but it is not directed at the listener (even though it might sometimes feel like it).

Meaning: I won that argument!
Possible Additional Meaning: And you better agree with me!
Example: “I was right. He was wrong and he’s an a**hole. Dus!”

Giggle Dus

The Giggle Dus:

This ‘dus’ is friendly and often accompanied by a small chuckle. It is used when delivering the punch line of a joke or a funny story that the user finds amusing. Sometimes it is even replaces the punch line to leave the outcome up to the listeners imagination. It can also be used as a reaction to hearing something amusing.

Meaning: This is (or that was) really funny.
Example: “He left his computer logged into facebook… Dus. Hehe.”

Confused Dus

The Drawn Out Dussssss (Confused)

If the Dutch are confused about something they will often use the drawn out ‘dus’ to communicate this. It signals that farther information is required and is often used in a moment of silence when something has not been fully explained yet. The longer the dus, the greater the confusion.

Meaning: And? What happens (or happened) next?
Example: Dussssssss?

Sarcastic Dus

The Drawn Out Dussssss (Sarcastic)

The sarcastic version of the drawn out ‘dus’ is used when the idiot you are trying to explain something to is too stupid to understand. If you are tired of repeating yourself simply replace the instructions or explanation you would normally give with the drawn out ‘dus’ instead.

Meaning: Could you be more stupid?
Example: It’s so easy a child could do it. Dusssssssss *roll eyes*

Contemplative Dus

The Contemplative Dus:

When the outcome or result of an action is unknown the contemplative ‘dus’ is often used. It is a slightly submissive ‘dus’ that suggests no farther action will be taken by the person using it, either because there are no options left to them or they simply cannot be bothered. It is sometimes accompanied by a shrug.

Meaning: We’ll have to wait and see what happens next.
Example: “I’ve done everything I can… Dus.” *shoulder shrug*

Reactionary Dus

The Reactionary Dus:

When something surprising or unexpected happens the reactive ‘dus’ is often used. It can convey genuine surprise or be used in a sarcastic manner when someone is not following the Dutch ‘doe normaal’ rule.

Meaning: That was (or is) weird.
Example: “Dus.”

Do you know any other uses of the word dus that should be included?
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