How Mario Galaxy Made Me Want To Kill

Mario

“I HATE YOU!”

Amongst my friends I have a reputation of being a very calm and polite person.

“YOU ARE HOPELESS!”

Most of them do not even believe I am capable of getting angry.

“WHY CAN’T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!”

And in a way they are right. It takes a lot to get me angry.

“I HATE YOU SO MUCH!”

A lot…

“YOU BLOODY USLESS ITALIAN PLUMBER!”

I am by no means a xenophobe or a racist and I bear no ill will towards those in the plumbing profession.

“I’M GOING TO SHOVE THIS WII REMOTE WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE IF YOU FAIL ME AGAIN!”

But a man has his limits.

“YOU HEAR ME MARIO?! I’M GOING TO STRAIGHT UP MURDER YOU AND YOUR WHOLE MUSHROOM KINGDOM!”

And failing to kill the end of level boss ten times in a row is apparently it.

My wife watched me from the other side of the sofa, not in alarm but in fascination. She had never witnessed me in such a blind rage and she was finding it hilarious.

“DON’T LAUGH AT ME! THIS IS BAD GAME DESIGN! THIS BOSS IS IMPOSSIBLE!”

She grind even more as I waved the Wii remote around at the screen again like an angry caveman having an epileptic fit. I’d only started playing because she had got stuck and wanted my help.

“Why don’t you take a break if it is annoying you so much?” She suggested after a while.

“NO! I WILL NOT LET THIS BLOODY THING BEAT ME!”

I lost count of how many times I played the same section over and over again.

“RUN FASTER DAMN YOU!”

My fury was growing with each failure. How dare this game not let me win.

“WHY WON’T YOU JUMP WHEN I TELL YOU TOO?!”

The veins in my neck were about to pop in rage. How dare the controls not be easier.

“STOP FALLING IN THE DAMN LAVA!”

The anger was becoming too strong. I was about to throw the wii remote out the window. But then…

“YES!”

The tide of battle suddenly started to turn…

“YES! COME ON!”

…and I was so very close…

“YES! COME ON! YES!”

… all I need was one last successful mushroom attack.

“YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

I jumped up from the sofa and threw my arms up in the air in victory.

“FINALLY!!! F**K YOU MARIO! F**K YOU LUIGI! F**K YOU BOWSER! AND F**K YOU PRINCESS PEACH!”

I marched over to the TV, switched off the Nintendo Wii, stormed out of the room and slammed the door shut while my wife fell of the sofa in fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Like I said; it takes a lot to get me angry.

Stuart

Stuart is an accident prone Englishman who has been living in the Netherlands since 2001. Even his move to the country was an unintentional accident, the result of replying to a cryptic job advertisement he found one day in a local British magazine. Since then he has learned to love the Dutch (so much so that he married one of them) and now calls the country home. He started the blog Invading Holland in 2006 as a place to share his strange stories of language misunderstandings, cultural confusions and his own accident prone nature.

32 Responses

  1. Garrett says:

    Great blog! I love your little avatar guy too!

    I hear you about getting angry at Nintendo.One question: do you do a little “jump” in your seat when Mario jumps or duck your head down when something comes flying at Mario’s head? I used to catch myself doing that all the time! :-)

  2. I *had* to read back on this blog post. I began playing Super Mario Bros. Wii with my now-ex-boyfriend, and we had quite a difficult time getting through the stages. I also remember being very upset to learn that Yoshi was limited to only certain levels. :P