This story is not for the faint of heart. The details contained within are so vile and so disgusting that they have been known to make small children cry, stop the birds in the sky singing and drive sane men insane with torment. It is said that this will be the last story ever read at the end of days. This is your last chance to turn back. You have been warned; what has been read cannot be unread:
I have a zit. A really big one. On my nose.
This might sound like a small matter but it is not. This zit is so large that scientists are re-classifying it as a separate life form, activist are starting to fight for its rights and the religious community is crying out that it must be destroyed before it brings about the doom of mankind.
It is currently sitting on the end of my nose like an unwanted squatter, impossible to ignore and refusing to be evicted. I finally understand how women feel when men are unable to stop staring at their boobs during a conversation because everyone have I talk to can not take their eyes off my nose pimple.
I am a man in his thirties. I am not supposed to get zits of this magnitude anymore. Unsightly zits are a young man’s game. I left that behind me years ago along with my youth and my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle VHS collection. This simply should not be happening. I look like a Tim Burton version of Rudolf the Red Nose reindeer. Am I regressing back into my teenage self one zit at a time? How long is it until my hair becomes greasy, my ability to grow a beard fails me and my voice un-breaks, making me sound like Elmo on helium (again)?
And will it ever go away? Will it evolve sentience and free will? Will it start to talk? Can anything a zit has to say be good? If I look at the tip of my nose I can already see it. I’m scared that it is going to wave back one day. If it gets any bigger I might have to start giving it a co-writers credit.
And what exactly will happen if ‘eruption day’ finally comes? Will I survive it? Will I still have a nose afterwards or just a blast crater for a face?
Either way, I think that I will find out in the next few days.
UPDATE: IT BURST!
Right in the middle of a conversion with my father-in-law. We both survived the explosion but it shows that the late zit had a seance of humour when it came to timing.