This is something I have never done on this blog before but it is time for me to make a formal apology… to the people of England. I have done something terrible in a moment of stupidity and… well… there is no way to sugar coat this so I’m just going to come clean and say it. The Dutch now own England and it is all my fault.
During a Sunday afternoon in an Amsterdam bar I engaged in a game of pool with some friends. We decided it would be fun to form two teams; Dutch vs. British. After a few friendly games we decided to make things ‘interesting’ by putting a little wager on the table. This ‘little’ wager was that if we (the British Team) won we would own Holland and if they (the Dutch Team) won they would own England. I think you can guess where this story is going. It seemed like a good idea at the time right up until the point when we (the British Team) lost to them (The Dutch Team). Now our home land is owned by two Dutch guys with the must Dutch sounding names imaginable, Jochem and Jeroen. However, we now all have to call them King Jochem and King Jeroen (unless one of them opts for being the Queen).
This means that any body living in England who does not wish to wear orange, eat bitter ballen or listen to music by Frans Bauer should emigrate to Wales or Scotland (which I luckily did not gamble away). I know this will be hard on all of you but as you all try to learn Welsh or try to learn how to love deep fried Mars Bars and pizzas I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that it was a very close game. It all came down to the black ball in the end and some jolly bad luck.
I’ve not spoken to the Queen yet but I expect that she will be very angry with me when the news reaches her. I fully expect I will receive a jolly good telling off with lots of finger waving and use of my full name as I look sheepishly at the floor.
But fear not people of England. If someone is willing to lend me their country for just a short while I’m sure I can win England back. I hear there is an underground chicken racing game organized by an ex-mob boss which is taking place in just a few days. I’ve got a good tip so I’m sure to win a few other countries in the process. Trust me, what could possibly go wrong?