Ancient Ritual

Ancient Ritual

There is an ancient ritual that has been passed down through time from father to son since the sun first cast light across the surface of our tiny world. Women have only heard of its existence through whispers and rumours. They have never been allowed to attend since their attendance would be an unforgivable violation of the first rule of this sacred ritual. This ritual has gone by many names during its long existence but you might know it as The Lads Night In.

For centuries womankind has only been able to imagine what depraved events unfold at these sacred gatherings. However, I can assure you gentle lady that the reality is much worse then you can conceive. You might have visualized scenes of uncontrolled animal like aggression as men resort to their primeval nature, fighting each other for domination and leadership over the proceedings, ripping raw meat from the bone of a freshly slaughtered cow with their bear teeth, telling jokes so depraved that would make a prostitute blush, drinking ale until only one man is left standing, howling at the moon in a celebration of everything that it means to be a man (in a non homo erotic way).

Last Saturday I went to one of these events and I am finally going to lift the vial of secrecy around this sacred ritual and tell you what really happens. Revealing this secret may very well make me an out cast amongst my own kind. I will be hunted for the information that I am about to pass onto you female reader. The truth will shock you. It may make you weep uncontrollably. The world will seem like a much darker place and your perception of reality will be for ever changed once you know the truth. If you have a weak heart you should stop reading now. You can not say I did not warn you.

We ate Doritos and watched the Eurovision Song Contest. I didn’t think Finland were as good as last year.

26 responses to “Ancient Ritual”

  1. Tenakalaz says:

    Is that why you keep walking round in your Lordi costume…?

  2. ChickyBabe says:

    Had wine and cheese and watched Eurovision. So disappointed Ukraine didn’t win!

    The UK had me in stitches… ‘inset’, ‘pull’, ‘want something to suck on’. Eurovision rocks!

  3. be.bart says:

    You’re DEAD Stu! No-one blabs about the secret ritual! I’m coming to get you, I know where you live (somewhere in Holland, right? Could you send me a map or something with the location of your house clearly indicated? Thanks, you’re a pal!)

  4. Invader Stu says:

    Tenakalaz – I just like the way it makes me feel.

    ChickyBabe – What can I say…. we have no shame :P

    be.bart – No. Please, I beg you, don’t kill me. Please (I’ll email the map). So me mercy please. I beg you.

  5. Wezz6400 says:

    Don’t worry, he won’t kill you. By the time he arrives I’ll be done with you and all that’s left will remind him of the opening scene of scarface. :-P

    BTW, there is no link to the comments if you access one single post, either through the rss feed or the “Link to this post” link.

  6. Jodie says:

    Hahahahahahahahaha… dangerous things those Doritos… Very sharp edges

  7. Tess says:

    I won’t hunt you for revealing the secret, I will hunt you for making me pee me pants with laughter! Since you’re letting us women in on your secret, you might as well tell us the names of the others involved [excerpt: ‘WE’ ate Doritos and watched…] :)

  8. Invader Stu says:

    Wezz6400 – Thanks. I’ll have to try and work out why that is happening.

    Jodie – It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

    Tess – Only if you tell us if girls nights in really involve playful pillow fights in slow motion.

  9. Jodie says:

    Stu: what do you think that salsa dip was made out of? ;)

  10. grrlie says:

    Stu: My personal girls nights have involved playful pillow fights (in our undies, even) but, we (we being my girlfriends & I) have never managed to figure out how to do it in slow motion. Perhaps we’ve not been properly trained by the ladies who came before us? :(

  11. Dragon lady says:

    We were robbed…. Rule Britania

  12. Indy says:

    Who’d say a Saturday could get so wild!!


  13. Tess says:

    Yeah: girls nights in, really involve playful pillow fights in slow motion [if you use jog mode and the right DVD] :9 *plucking feathers stuck in her hair*

  14. harmonysweetpea says:

    I love it. So glad I stumbled across your blog. Yet why is it that us women find it impossible to believe a group of men could possibly be watching something as innoccent as Eurovision and eating Doritos on their boys nights? ;-)

  15. Oli says:

    Eurowhat now?

    Cant say I watched it =p

    I will however be in amsterdam from the 18th to the 21st with a few friends, any chance of a tour?? =D

  16. Beebs says:

    “I didn’t think Finland were as good as last year.”

    Define “good” Stu? ;)

  17. Oli says:

    18th – 21st of august*

  18. Invader Stu says:

    Jodie – I really don’t want to know

    grrlie – You need to brush up on your matrix skills :p

    Indy – It get wilder…. later that night we opened the Pringles

    Tess – I knew it. The secret is out.

    harmonysweetpea – …becuase I didn’t end up passed out in a random location for once? :p

    Oli – It will cost you :p

    Beebs – Comically entertaining?

  19. Joe says:

    Bloody Serbs, You know its only because that this is their first year as an independant state that they won, god damn eastern block! It sucks the fun out Eurovision. Twas a bit random with Malta giving us 12 points like that, and Ireland with 7. Ireland never vote for us lol – and we didn’t vote for either of them!

    I loved Lordi last year, this years Finnish entry was quite good, altho not as good as Lordi :)

  20. Deadpoolite says:

    Hi newbie here! So you had doritos we had souvlaki with pitta bread (Greece). Dont you just love those cultural differences it is what euroision is all about… Oh well, maybe not, but still I dont know a single person who didnt watch it! It is like you watch the show, you laugh at it, you talk about it and then the next morning you are unsure what happened but you have a silly smile in your face that you were a part of it. And let’s not talk about the lasting effect of the songs…lol!

  21. VallyP says:

    Hahahaha..I knew it…I JUST KNEW IT…all this macho, hairy chested swaggering is all just fantasy and face saving…lol.

  22. Oli says:

    Bah bugger that, im from yorkshire =p

  23. sophie says:

    HAHAHA! I cannot believe it! so it’s true people continue watching the Eurovision contest!!! this the most subversive tradition that I could imagine haha! by the way, who won?? :-)

  24. Invader Stu says:

    Deadpoolite – Luckily I have not got any of the songs stuck in my head this year because that… wait…. dam it now I have.

    VallyP – I could not keep the lie going any longer

    Oli – So you have the spicy Doritos instead?

    Sophie – I have no idea why we ended up watching it either.

  25. sophie says:

    hahaha! you’re a genious!!

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