There is an ancient ritual that has been passed down through time from father to son since the sun first cast light across the surface of our tiny world. Women have only heard of its existence through whispers and rumours. They have never been allowed to attend since their attendance would be an unforgivable violation of the first rule of this sacred ritual. This ritual has gone by many names during its long existence but you might know it as The Lads Night In.
For centuries womankind has only been able to imagine what depraved events unfold at these sacred gatherings. However, I can assure you gentle lady that the reality is much worse then you can conceive. You might have visualized scenes of uncontrolled animal like aggression as men resort to their primeval nature, fighting each other for domination and leadership over the proceedings, ripping raw meat from the bone of a freshly slaughtered cow with their bear teeth, telling jokes so depraved that would make a prostitute blush, drinking ale until only one man is left standing, howling at the moon in a celebration of everything that it means to be a man (in a non homo erotic way).
Last Saturday I went to one of these events and I am finally going to lift the vial of secrecy around this sacred ritual and tell you what really happens. Revealing this secret may very well make me an out cast amongst my own kind. I will be hunted for the information that I am about to pass onto you female reader. The truth will shock you. It may make you weep uncontrollably. The world will seem like a much darker place and your perception of reality will be for ever changed once you know the truth. If you have a weak heart you should stop reading now. You can not say I did not warn you.
We ate Doritos and watched the Eurovision Song Contest. I didn’t think Finland were as good as last year.