Internet Addict

Internet Addict

Some where in an imaginary meeting room the following scene is taking place:

“Hello… My name is Stuart and I am an addict.”

A small round of applause follows from the other people sitting in the circle.

“I’ve been clean for almost a week now since my provider cut me off due to an administrative error. It’s not been easy. Even after losing my supply I had to hit rock bottom before I was willing to admit I had a problem.”

“At first I started walking the streets at night with my laptop, looking for a new supply. All I needed was a little bandwidth to keep me going. I didn’t even care where it came from. Any unsecured wireless network would have been enough to ease the pain of my addiction. I am not proud of it. I even started looking through bins for old 58k modems.”

For a moment I feel like the memories are too painful for me to talk about but a member of the circle puts their hand on my shoulder and gives me a supportive look.

“When I was unable to find an unprotected connection I started abusing my friends trust. I would visit them just to check my email and steal a little bandwidth from them. Sometimes when the withdrawal was really bad I would beg them day and night to download files for me.

“I finally knew I had hit rock bottom when I started actually seeking out penis enlargement and Viagra adverts as a substitute for spam emails.”

A few members of the circle nod in a way that lets me know I am not the only one who has been down this path.

“Since then I have been adjusting to life with out the internet one day at a time. Sometimes I still feel like I would do anything just to be able to log into World of Warcraft for a few seconds or check the internet movie database to settle an argument about how many movies Alec Baldwin has been in but I am slowly learning to cope. I hope that one day I will be completely over my internet addiction… Thank you for listening.”

Another round of applause follows as I sit down. When the next person stands and starts to speak my mind drifts off and I wonder if there is an internet café anywhere nearby.


In a few days time my internet connection should be reactivated and normal blog service will be restored. Until that time would someone mind downloading a file for me? I just need a little bandwidth.

27 responses to “Internet Addict”

  1. Eric Boltjes says:

    Stop licking my network cable dude! It’s freaking me out!!

  2. Invader Stu says:

    Eric – Just give me a little bandwidth dude. I’m good for it. I just need some .MB to keep me going to the end of the week.

  3. zed says:

    so that’s why you are so keen to visit ? oh, alright – i have 3 computers networked – you may want to use Q’s though as it has an English keyboard.

  4. VallyP says:

    Now I’m not normally one to give in to someone’s addiction, but boy, this is a special case. I mean, the side effects hit us all, don’t they….we all have to learn to cope without our normal dose of Stu…hmmm, that’s bad, that is. Addicted to your addiction. Solution! You’d better come and stay in my flat (I don’t live in it myself, see)…the neighbour has unprotected wireless internet just there for those of us with an incurable habit ;-)

  5. VallyP says:

    By the way, this was a great post! I’m sure we can all relate almost painfully…it made me laugh too, though ;-)

  6. Tess says:

    Stu, take your laptop to the Tig and sit at the table near the window, it used to be my fav spot: three to four open networks. I would claw anyone who had the guts to come too close *evil grin*

    ps, I did ask you nicely… didn’t I? In a very humble Sméagol manner…

  7. Jodie says:

    Oh man, I feel your pain…

    The Horde mourns your loss ;)

  8. Wezz6400 says:

    Oh man, that’s worst case scenario. No internet without time to prepare (stash a rediculous amount of games). Good luck to you man.
    I’ve got 10 mbit down and up, so if it’s worth the trip to Rotterdam to you, I’ll be happy to share. ;-)

  9. Indy says:

    Stu, get a few file transfer compressing programs, add them up, and get a better deal just by not improving your connection but reducing your transfer load. That’s all I can say from here.

    Oh and my head hurts.


  10. Stavanger says:

    “administrative error” what does that mean? ISP probation or ISP networking, hardware, software problem?

  11. Swapw says:

    Invader Stu,
    Finally seen the guy behind bloggerforum here. Nice page and I like your cartoony setup! :) Keep it up and see ya in the forums.

  12. roxanne says:


    When you get your connection back, I’m sure you’ll be blogging and googling til you’re bleary eyed. :P

  13. ChickyBabe says:

    Tellll mmmee whennn youuuu findd a cuuuure….

  14. Invader Stu says:

    Zed and Wezz6400 – You know it will be like inviting a crack addict into your house at the moment right. I’ll be selling all your CDs to get extra bandwidth.

    VallyP – That made me realize that I am actually a pusher. “Here, try some RSS. The first one is free.”

    Tess – If I don’t get my internet back soon I might have to try that.

    Jodie – They will be lost with out me.

    Indy – Thanks for the advice.

    Stavanger – It means my internet provider is stupid. We asked to down grade our connection. Some how they thought we asked them to cancel our connection.

    Swapw – Thanks. I will :)

    Roxanne – You have no idea. I might even call in sick to work :p

    ChickyBabe – I’m starting to think there isn’t one :(

  15. Jodie says:

    Does your provider start with a C and end with an ema? If so it is a common problem adn administrative error is their jargon for the daily F*** ups (i used to work on their helpdesk until I found a job I was actually able to admit I was doing :P )

  16. Invader Stu says:

    This one starts with a U, ends with a C and has a P in the middle

  17. Tess says:

    I had major issues with those bastardos! Their customer service equals that of British Gas. Never ever again, I’ve learned my lesson well… Hopefully they will do what they’ve promised to do, if not switch to xs4all [no problems ever]

  18. Mo says:

    Hi Invader stu
    I see the rest of my family has been here already…VallyP…Jodie…
    I enjoyed your post, but what I find tragic and funny at the same time is that you probably could find a perfectly good modem in a trash can…along with a couch, a vacuum cleaner and a rug. The Dutch have Ikea and the sidewalk!

  19. tenakalaz says:

    tess – I can’t believe you used the Tig, I am in there every Friday afternoon……. but was unaware of the unprotected connection, if only I had known……

  20. Invader Stu says:

    Tess – We were thinking of finding another suppler but it seemed quicker to give them one last chance.

    Mo – You’re right about that. I might have to write about it some time.

    Tenakalaz – It’s lucky you did not go when Tess was there. As she said herself she would have clawed you for trying to come close.

  21. Tess says:

    Tenakalaz – it might be alright still… [some people spend a lifetime being ignorant ;) ] but I reckon on a Friday afternoon you won’t be there with a laptop surfing, are you? You really don’t want to spill a pint on your CPU… [Tig used to be my fav hangout for years]

  22. Indy says:

    My CPU glows at night. During the day it itches. I might just get a new Mac and get rid of all the PCs.



  23. JaG says:

    Everyone’s writing about addictions these days!

  24. Tenakalaz says:

    I love wireless ignorance, those unprotected doorways they leave for us….. human generosity never ceases to amaze me…

    And yeh Tess, when I am at the Tig on a friday afternoon it is the starting point for my favourite sport….

    Professional Terrace hopping!! I am hoping to get it installed at the next olympics…

  25. Tess says:

    *lmao* You might also want to try to set a new record in ‘quick-witted remarks’ I’m sure you’ll get gold for that… :9

  26. Invader Stu says:

    I haz an internetz again and itz alredy infecting me with internetz spellzingz.

  27. Jodie says:

    Yeah, the U with the C and a P are the other known culprits of bad service and dodgy administration. I’m thinking of going back to ADSL, a lot less fuss than cable and these days you can get your telly through it as well.

    But at least you ahve your connection back…. so I guess it wont be long until you are stuck in Azeroth until 4 in the morning :)

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