Dreadfully Dutch Fake Facts – Part 1

1) Everyone in Holland is 6’5 tall. Any Dutch person who has not reached this height by their 21st birthday is exiled to Belgium.

2) Due to a series of escalating over exaggerated tourists stories visitors to Amsterdam are often disappointed to discover that the red light district is in fact just an area with a lot of faulty traffic lights.

3) Dutch music was first invented during World War II as a means of ‘interrogating’ German spies. However, when the human rights movement put a stop to this practise another use had to be found for it. Incidentally this is why you will never find a German at a Frans Bauer concert.

4) Frans Bauer and Jack Bauer are related.

5) The Dutch government is very concerned about the over harvesting of wind by the county’s many windmills. They foresee a real danger that this resource will run out in the next 5 years. This is not helped by the fact that all Dutch people live in windmills.

6) The Dutch phrase ‘ja hoor’ has coursed several diplomatic incidents when English speaking diplomats have mistaken it for the Dutch diplomats calling them names (sometimes they were).

7) A lot of Dutch land has been reclaimed from the sea by pumping out the water and building fake land. This has proved very successful. However, at high tide the water still comes up to everyone’s ankles.

8) Holland is so flat that someone in Friesland can wave to someone in Belgium. The Dutch are deadly jealous of any country with the smallest of mountains, hills or speed bumps.

9) Even Dutch people giggle every time someone starts talking about the water ‘dykes’

10) The wide popularity and use of bicycles in Holland can be directly linked to the song ‘Bicycle Race’ by Queen when it became a smash hit in 1978. Bicycle sales jumped by 89% and, “I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride it where I like,” became a national slogan.

Want to read more Dreadfully Dutch Fake Facts? Check out Part 2 of this list.


22 responses to “Dreadfully Dutch Fake Facts – Part 1”

  1. A Touch of Dutch blog says:

    What a good laugh!!! And especially Frans Bauer & Jack Bauer “are related.” Excellent post, as always ;-) Have a great weekend!

  2. kiki says:

    Love the picture of you as a Zeeuws meisje.

  3. Tiffany says:

    Loving these lists! And I am a big fan of the illustration that goes along with this one :)

  4. orangesplaash says:

    Hilarious, specially the last one.

  5. julia says:

    I really love learning about different cultures. Thanks for the help with the Dutch. I already thought the Dutch were really tall (I also think they’re all blond like the Norwegians). I’m not surprised they have mountain and hill envy. I also suffer from that affliction as I’m from South Louisiana where we’re just happy if we’re above sea level.

    Ja Hoor makes me think of the song “Jai Ho” by the Pussycat dolls. Maybe it means the same thing?

  6. French Bean says:

    Heh, heh. I laughed when I saw this post’s cartoon, and the “fact” the a Dutch person under 6’5″ is expelled to Belgium.

    How do they treat foreigners who measure a gigantic 5’4″? :-P

    OOH! And Queen’s Day! Is that the day where everyone personally invites the Queen Mother to dinner at a coffee house to sit in a Dutch Circle?

  7. Jules says:

    Frans Bauer is definitely the scarier of the two, though! I think I just gave myself the heeby-jeebies just typing his name!

  8. Invader_Stu says:

    A Touch of Dutch blog – Thank you. I’m surprised no one has made the connection before. they both have the same last name and they have both been known to torture people :)

    kik and Tiffany – Thanks. I’m just trying to find the inner me :)

    Orangesplaash – Thank you :)

    Julia – It could well be the same thing.

    French Bean – How did you know that is what Queen’s day is? It’s not too far from the truth really. The royal family have been known to pop into people’s houses when invited in for a cup of tea when passing by. It gives their security no amount of headaches.

    Jules – Frans Bauer taught Jack Bauer everything he know.

  9. Keith says:

    I’m disappointed that you never mentioned the hugely successful “Dutch Mountain Rescue Team” and their record of saving so many lives by not rescuing them.

    Are Belgians over 6′ 5″ expelled to Holland then?

  10. Invader Stu says:

    That’s a brilliant one. I wish I had thought of it. Mind if I add it?

    The Belgians might try but there is no way in hell the Dutch would let them unless it was only so they could take the mickey out of them.

  11. French Bean says:

    Hm. What else can you tell us about the Great Speculoos of 2009 war between Holland and Belgium? >.>

  12. Invader Stu says:

    Well… It all started when the Belgium decided they would try to keep all of the Speculoos for themselves. The Dutch were never going to stand for that so they amassed a huge army to take all of the supply by force. However, when they arrived at the Dutch boarder Belgium was not willing to give up with out a fight……..

  13. Wezz6400 says:

    I know that with our haircolor shaving every day is optional, as nobody will see the difference. However, if you’re gonna wear women’s clothes you might want to shave for once. ;-)

    Also, I lolled irl when reading about the epells to Belgium. We should remember to kick them out again when we invade.

  14. StephanieC says:

    I *KNEW* they were all tall or else exiled. It only.makes.sense, and now your blog i hard proof. Hard proof my friends.

    Oh, and speed bumps rule!

  15. StephanieC says:


  16. Invader Stu says:

    Wezz6400 – I don’t know what you mean. What makes you think that is mean and not a real Dutch girl *cough* Oh look over there *runs away*

    StephanieC – I am also willing to stand up in court and testify to that fact.

  17. Just a Plane Ride Away says:

    #1 is so true. I felt so short in my Dutch house–the counters all came up to my chin.

  18. VallyP says:

    I’ve laughed more than I have in weeks over this. Brilliant!!

  19. Invader Stu says:

    Just a Plane Ride Away – You should see me standing next to my wife to be. The counter is not the only thing that comes up to my chin.

    VallyP – That’s great to hear. Thanks :)

  20. Lucas Spoel says:

    JA HOOR!!!

  21. M. says:

    Hi, thanks for your contributions. I’ve spent 7 years in your country which much pleasure and appreciate your observations. However one point I would like to draw your attention to is that we haven beaten the French about 200 year ago and there is really no need to keep referring to the French occupation (and left wing collaboration) by addressing the Netherlands as Holland. This period of occupation lasted less than 4 years. The Netherlands have been around in roughly its current form and shape since the 12th century (Floris the 5th, Staten Generaal etc.) It would be a similar thing to call every single Brit Oswald Mosley…

    Thanks for keeping this in mind and keep up the good work !

  22. zJoriz says:

    About the flatness of Holland (yes, Holland, not all of the Netherlands is that flat)… You know, I cycle a lot around Rotterdam. I live on the southern edge, have one job in the west of the city, go to the gym just past the east end of the city, and have another job in a town to the southeast. And there are a lot of height differences on each leg of each journey. However, I recently realized that most if not all of these are man-made! Never thought about that before… it’s all overpasses and dykes and tiny bridges and a large one and some tunnels and one long one (fun fact: featuring the oldest still functioning escalators in the country). There are no visible traces of any natural dunes or hills left that I know of.

    While this may be a shame, I’m not too jealous of more curvy countries. Cycling here is quite energy-efficient, after all.

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