Awfully British Fake Facts – Part 2

1) Buses, phone boxes and letter boxes are all bright red because every English person is colour blind. If buses, phone boxes and letter boxes were not red no one would go anywhere, phone anyone or post anything.

2) The post service in England is called the Royal Mail because the Queen likes to deliver every letter personally (and Prince Philip deals with the overseas post).

3) There are sharks in the Thames.

4) No one has ever told the Queen that we lost the empire a very long time ago. It is every English person’s responsibility to make sure she never finds out.

5) Every English person can quote every line from Monty Python and Faulty Towers and does so on a daily bases.

6) England is the main importer and exporter of rain and bad weather in Europe.

7) English people like to complain and can complain about anything. Even if there is nothing to complain about the English will complain about the fact that there is nothing to complain about.

8) The English are well known for their politeness, shyness and modesty when it comes to receiving compliments but secretly we crave them, expect them and get quite annoyed if they are not given often enough.

9) If the English ever discover intelligent alien life they ‘will’ try to communicate by simply talking louder and expect to be understood (most likely while bartering for the intergalactic equivalent of a Spanish straw Donkey).

10) England is doomed if anyone ever figures out that the easiest way to bring the country to its knees is to cut off the supply of tea. The English are basically addicted to tea like drug addicts are addicted to crack. Have you ever seen a tea intervention? It ain’t pretty.

11) Those who use bad grammar are either executed or exiled to another country (why do you think I live in Holland?).

12) British Rail is well known for its train delays. There are still steam trains that are delayed due to leaves on the line.

13) Every English person has a butler. Even butlers have butlers.

Want to read more Awfully British Fake Facts? Check out Part 3 of this list.


22 responses to “Awfully British Fake Facts – Part 2”

  1. Alison says:

    You all live in castles, too, don’t you. ;) Have a fun, accident-free trip!

  2. Invader_Stu says:

    Alison – Oh yes we do. That one is part 1 :) Thanks

  3. Melissa says:

    Leaves on the rail causing delays in England… Sounds like NS has that same problem!

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  5. Jules says:

    Funny you should say that about tea–one of my friends who’s been to England recently said that they were addicted to instant coffee…

  6. Invader_Stu says:

    Melissa – Yes but it is a little known fact that leaves in England are 10 times the size of those found in the rest of the world.

    Jules – Instant coffee is the meth of the tea world.

  7. Heather says:

    I’m in England next week too!

  8. A Touch of Dutch blog says:

    Tea intervention! I’m really liking these posts too so keep ’em coming! Have a nice weekend :-)

  9. Julia says:

    Are we supposed to guess which ones are really true?

    Don’t you all quote Shakespeare to each other Like Americans quote Seinfeld?

    I also heard that your favorite food is fish and chips and a good curry.

    Oh,and aren’t you all shipped off to boarding school by age five?

  10. Invader_Stu says:

    Heather – If you see a ginger bloke walking around it’s me :p

    A Touch of Dutch – Thank you. I’ll remember to call you next time we hold a tea intervention.

    Julia – Tis correct that all I have laid bare upon this page of webs is as true as night follows day. Thou are also correct and know grate wisdom my lady.

  11. orangesplaash says:

    Glad you clarified about the Royal mail services :)

  12. Bertie says:

    Yes it is all true, I am still flabergasted when I wake up every day and see BBC news verify it all…..
    BTW, Gloucester Old spots can really fly :))

  13. Ramona says:

    These are just terrific. I laughed myself senseless :D

  14. French Bean says:

    Wait. If the butlers have butlers, does that mean that the butlers of the butlers also have butlers?

    But then…those butlers would need butlers for their butlers of the other butlers! o_O”

    Wow. I think England is now a butler vortex!

    Also: wasn’t there once a whale found swimming in the Thames?

  15. Invader Stu says:

    Orangesplaash – You’re welcome. Now you know that if you ever lose a letter you can complain directly to the queen herself :)

    Bertie – Oh yes. I forgot to mention that we do not have TV in this country either and we all gather around the wireless instead to listen to the BBC.

    Ramona – Thanks. I’m glad you liked them :)

    French Bean – Oh yes. And butters of butlers of butlers have butlers. It butters all the way down. Everyone has a butlers and everyone works as a butlers…. The whale who was found swimming up the Thames also had a butlers.

  16. Keith says:

    “Write out 200 times, ‘I must not take the piss out of the English’, and if it’s not done by morning, then I’ll cut you balls off!” (or something like that) – M. Python.

  17. Just a Plane Ride Away says:

    I live in England and can certify that all of these things are true–fingers crossed behind my back, of course :)

    Nudge nudge wink wink say no more.

    Hope you are having a good trip and drinking lots of proper tea.

  18. Dragonlady says:

    Don’t forget the wrong type of snow that brought British rail to a standstill afew years ago.

  19. StephanieC says:

    Oh lordy… leaves on the tracks. Now I know why Via Rail was always delayed here in Canada in the fall. It all makes sense!!!

    And if every butler has a butler… my gawd… they just might be the largest importer of white gloves, methinks.

  20. Invader Stu says:

    Keith – Well that was said a few days ago so I guess I am in trouble now :p

    Just a Plane Ride Away – Thanks for backing me up *wink* I’m ashamed to say I probably drank less tea while in England.

    Dragonlady – or every time it snows.

    StephanieC – White gloves and bow ties. There is a national budget for them.

  21. Smiling Eve says:

    I thought that the right to complain about there being nothing to complain was reserved for the Dutch themselves.

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