Awfully British Fake Facts – Part 1

1) A lot of countries think that all Englishmen drink tea, play cricket, work in accounting and wear bowler hats all of the time but this is untrue. We do not wear our bowler hats on Sundays.

2) The average human body is made of 90% water but the average English body is made of 90% tea. Without tea we die.

3) Tea can solve any and every problem. Aliens invading? Have some tea! Sprained your knee? Have some tea! Run out of tea? Have some… oh wait… I guess there is ‘one’ problem it can’t solve.

4) Big Ben has to be wound by hand each morning and is named after Ben McFiggin (‘Big’ to his friends) who was the first man to have this responsibility. Everyone still remembers the day he overslept as, “the day without time.”

5) The fog in London is so thick that it is unsafe to leave your house without a bell or whistle and a long length of rope. A 24 year old man was recently found wondering around lost in the fog after a failed attempt to visit the bakers. He had been 17 when his mum had sent him out for bread.

6) We choose a new queen every ten years based on who looks the most like the stamp.

7) Shakespeare was a fictional character but Sherlock Holmes was a real person.

8) Each Englishman owns their own red double-decker bus.

9) When a group of English people are alone together within their natural environment they will still use words such as, “ye olde,” “yonder,” and, “forsooth.”

10) The phrase; “an Englishman’s home is his castle,” is a miss quote and is infect meant to be, “an Englishman’s home is ‘a’ castle.”

11) The English are constantly cast as the villains in movies because we are considered (by the Americans) to be a little bit evil. However, this is simply not true. We are not a little bit evil we are very evil. We feast upon the fear of others to sustain our own life force. Nothing pleases us more than stealing candy from small orphan children or robbing sweet old ladies of their pension. However, we are very polite while doing so. There is no need to be evil ‘and’ uncivilized.

Want to read Awfully British Fake Facts? Check out Part 2 of this list.


21 responses to “Awfully British Fake Facts – Part 1”

  1. Alison says:

    I’ll have to share this one with my mum. She’ll certainly agree about being made of 90% tea! Aliens invading? Have some tea! Sprained your knee? Have some tea! It’s Tuesday? Have some tea!

    I like to tell people that gator wrestling is a required course in Florida schools.

  2. Some more that you may have missed:

    – In the Underground, the announcement “Mind the Gap” is spelt “Mind the Gappe” and refers to the Gappe Bats that feast on the unsuspecting.

    – After Nelson’s victories in Egypt, he was so impressed with the country that he wanted to be mummified when dead. The Royal Navy agreed to this request and it is his mummy that you see on Nelson’s column.

    – The lions around Nelson’s column are anatomically incorrect. African lions cannot sit in the position shown. This is because the statues are of English Lions.

    Now for bonus points, one of the above is true; but which one!


  3. Anneke says:

    *snort* No need to be uncivilized when you kill a person. “I do beg your pardon sir, but I have the rather unpleasant task of killing you. Would you by any chance be so kind as to stand still for a moment? Why thank you, that is a new bowler hat.” The gentleman killer. :P

  4. The girlfriend says:


  5. kerryanne says:

    Ha! Well now…it is fun telling Dutchies stories, isn’t it?

  6. Invader Stu says:

    Alison – Run out of tea? Have some tea…. no wait. Oh S**t! (I think I’ll have to add that one. Thanks)

    The Unexpected Traveller – I’m guessing the lions one is true.

    Anneke – “No problem at all dear chap. Can I help in anyway? Would you like me to hold a target up on my person? Just say the word.”

    The Girlfriend – Of course I kept some of these secret when we met.

    kerryanne – It’s revenge for all the things they have told me.

  7. Anneke says:

    What have you been told, that all food contains licquorice, or that all dykes have a boy attached to them? :P

  8. Got it in one … apparently the sculptor had never seen lions before so he modelled his work on his dead and stuffed cat. The cat was not stuffed very well and started to decay after awhile so he continued from memory. When asked how come the lions front paws are drawn up (which a real lion cannot do), he barely blinked before answering: “That’s because these are English lions”

  9. orangesplaash says:

    lol:) Inspired me to write my top tens..this time the Indian version!!

  10. Gez says:

    The tea one is most definitely true though – the only problem tea can’t solve is a lack of tea. Heck, when I did a first aid course when I was still living in the UK, we were told to try and give tea (but not coffee) to anyone going into shock!
    And yes, I occasionally still use the word ‘yonder’…

  11. Wezz6400 says:

    I don’t consider all English to be evil. You are certainly not. Vinnie Jones or Jason Statham however.. I guess they do their best to come close to me. Cute.

  12. Invader Stu says:

    The Unexpected Traveller – Sounds like a good reason to me :p

    orangesplaash – I have to read that :)

    Gez – Coffee does seem like it would be a bad idea. You don’t want them hyper and in shock.

    Wezz6400 – That sounds like a challenge :p

  13. VallyP says:

    Oooooh noooooo!! Busted!! Now I’m for it…I’ll have to black list your bblog now…nothing for it…..hehe

  14. VallyP says:

    Oh I forgot to say…brilliant!!

  15. Invader Stu says:

    VallyP – Sorry. Someone had to tell them our secrets :p

  16. Dragonlady says:

    Tea, Yuck can’t stand the stuff. Just found out I’m Scottish so thats why I don’t like it. Mind you I don’t like whiskey either, but I do like haggis.

  17. Tiffany says:

    This is excellent – thanks for dispelling these myths about the English! I’m now boiling water for tea as this post cave me a craving for it. I’m already coming up with things to tell the Dutch about Americans (can we say “field day?”). Thanks for the laugh!

  18. ahulme says:

    I am 5ft 6 and tell all Dutch people I am tall where I am from. Well I am from up north so its nearly true.

    When I say I am from Manchester the Dutch always say Manchester United or Ciry. I say I don’t like football that’s why I was thrown out of Britain.

    I also claim to understand cricket and explain how the Dutch should embrace it. Truth is I have no idea of the rules, its just a day out with beer.

    Tea however is another matter I even have a tea pot at work with a tea cosy and can’t go 2 hours without a brew. PG tips can’t beat em.

    Great site..

  19. Jania says:

    I came back to Texas from NL 6 weeks ago. I should’ve told them all Texans own a derrick, live on a ranch and wear ten gallon hats. Wish I had thought of doing a little storytelling to liven up my trip. Cute idea!

  20. Jania says:

    Oh, and if out of tea, the all-time English problem-solver, then “eat!” In other words, can’t use “tea” per se to solve the problem, we can use its hidden word jumble e-a-t to solve it! And who doesn’t like to eat! Tea again to the rescue! tehehe

  21. Nederlanse Jonge (at heart anyway) says:

    Here’s something else I learned about the British (from an Australian): Q: Where do the British hide their money? A: Under their soap. I don’t really get (understand) this, but I thought you might.

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