Declaring Myself As The New Dutch King

New Dutch King

People of Holland!

Upon this day I, Stuart, would like to officially announce my successful invasion of Holland and the installation of myself as your new leader and ruler.

Do not be afraid. Although this new development might sound quite alarming at first please remain calm and give it a moment to sink in.

The invasion was successfully completed yesterday when I put up some flyers announcing myself as Holland’s new ruler and no one objected.

I promise to be a just and fair ruler, a nurturing and caring leader, the kind you can invite around for tea with your ‘oma’. I promise to keep the changes to your daily life minimal. All I ask is that you refer to me as ‘King Stuart’ if we ever pass each other in the street. I also ask that you be nice to each other and don’t play your music too loudly when travelling on the public transport.

I know that I might not be a true Dutchman. I know that I might not have been born and raised amongst the windmills and tulips. I know that I might only have the Dutch language skills of a five year old but I am a true and proud ginger, a fact which makes me as orange as anyone else from this, soon to be great, country. I also eat stampot once and found it ‘lekker’.

I will be ruling the country from my apartment in Rotterdam where all important decisions about the countries future will be made over a cup of hot coco (with a biscuit). However, I cannot work on Saturday’s because it’s my turn to tidy the apartment and do the shopping so you’ll have to look after yourselves on that day.

If there is anything that you would like to see changed as I lead Holland to a bright and bold new future please send me your ideas and I’ll see what I can do about them. Unless of course it is a complaint about me as your new leader. Then I’ll most likely ignore it.

– King Stuart

New Dutch King Poster

33 responses to “Declaring Myself As The New Dutch King”

  1. Tammy says:

    Oh cool! Are there special perks that come along with being friends with the King? Like… immense riches or stable boys?

  2. Citizen Stu says:

    Tammy – Don’t you already have a stable boy? :p

  3. Sandra says:

    Does this also mean free Speculoospasta for everyone?

  4. osita says:

    King Stuart,

    Can you please pass a law, making it illegal to wave your hand next to your ear and cry ‘Lekkkkerrrr hooooor’ when drinking coffee/eating cake? I leave the choice of punishment to your royal discretion, although I would suggest a solution which makes use of the ample supply of freely available dog faeces ;)

  5. AstridQK says:

    Dear ‘King’ Stuart,

    I unfortunately cannot accept your rule since this country already has a Queen. Kudos on your attempt of fullfilling a deep wish though.

    Just one minor detail, it’s groetjes.

    Yours sincerely,

    Astrid Krul

    Subject of Queen Beatrix

  6. Citizen Stu says:

    Sandra – I’ll have to think about it. I like the stuff too.

    Osita – I’ll have to check that one with my wife since she is Dutch and has been known to do this.

    AstridQK – I understand what you’re saying. Don’t worry. I won’t remove the Dutch royal family. I quite like them too. I’ll just be ruling the country. they can still stay in the palace.

  7. mieke says:

    I hope youre wife will be Princess!

  8. Tammy says:

    I said stable BOYS… plural!! If I’m friends with the King I don’t think a harem is too much to expect! :P

  9. Citizen Stu says:

    Mieke – Hhhmmmm. I had not thought of that. I guess she will be Queen.

    Tammy – Fine. Fine… So demanding :p

    Wezz6400 – Are you having a break down? Do you want me to call someone?

  10. Wezz6400 says:

    How are you King Stuart!!
    All your base are belong to us.
    You are on the way to destruction.
    You have no chance to survive make your time.
    Ha Ha Ha Ha ….

  11. Well, King Stuart, how very kind of you to suggest to your subjects that they should keep calm (and possibly carry on). What shall you and your Queen do to change the daily lives? Make moving trucks narrower so they don’t block Amsterdam’s streets?

  12. Citizen Stu says:

    Barb – That is a very good idea. I’m putting it on the list. Would you like to be the new minster for transport?

  13. Iooryz says:

    Dear King, when will you be touring the country?
    Oh, and can you cancel the langstudeerboete?


  14. Citizen Stu says:

    Iooryz – I’m not sure what the langstudeerboete is but I’ll ban it if you really want me to. also, I tour the country between Rotterdam and Amsterdam everyday on the way to work every day.

  15. Dragonlady says:

    Does that make me the Queen (sorry) King Mother? I have the hat.

  16. Wezz6400 says:

    @Citizen Stu – A break down? What? Why, you! Classic gaming is not a break down! Just for that you will be keelhauled. ;-)

  17. Citizen Stu says:

    Dragonlady – I guess it does

    Wezz6400 – Are you sure you are not having a break down because it sounds like someone set you up the bomb :p

  18. Stu, as someone who lives in a city which has no concept of convenient public buses and bike lanes, I’d be more than happy to accept my title as Minister of Transporation! :D

  19. P.S.

    I’d like to wield a scepter so I can use it to whack people on the head when they don’t respect the rules. :P

  20. Citizen Stu says:

    Barb the French Bean – I think that sounds fair

  21. Citizen Smith says:

    How about abolishing the army? They cost quite a bit and simply getting rid of it worked out pretty well for places like Costa Rica and Liechtenstein. Lets face it the Dutch army doesn’t actually do anything anyway.

    We could spend the saved money on ice-cream, tizer, education, and transport.

  22. Getting rid of army = Angry Strikers (so says my experience in France)

  23. Citizen Smith says:

    Barn – The Dutch are not French, they don’t block all the roads and start burning everything to the ground whenever there is nothing worth watching on TV. If you get rid of the entire Dutch army no-one will notice. You will have a few more unemployed but they are cheaper than paying for an army and about as useful. It will save a fortune which we could wisely invest in a giant chocolate fountain for dam square.

  24. Wrong Side of the Pond says:

    Silly monarchists! This is no way to have a civilized dictatorship! Kings are so 18th century.

    The way to cement your rule is to call yourself a president and hold an election where you win 100% of the vote (preferably by not having any opposing candidates and by making yourself the only eligible voter).

    Europeans and their kings…

  25. Yorrick says:

    So it’s going to be: One Man, One Vote. You are the Man; you have the Vote.”

  26. Citizen Stu says:

    Citizen Smith & Barb – Calm down you two. How can I get rid of the army if I need them to stop you two being at each others throats :p Anyway… you had me at ice-cream.

    Wrong Side of the Pond – I know kings have been getting it wrong for centuries but I’m sure I’ll get it right. How hard can it be. Besides, I have one important guiding vessel of knowledge that kings of the past did not… wikipeida.

    Yorrick – Yes… but I’m nice so it will be good.

  27. Citizen Smith says:

    King Stu,

    In order to win over the hearts and minds of the local and ex-pat populations of this country I humbly suggest the following additional measures:

    Strawberries covered in chocolate to be given out to all loyal subjets at all major train stations every friday.

    Car chases should be organized at least once a week on major motorways, and that these chases should be as exciting as possible and should involve at least 10 police cars, a helicopter, and Jason Statham.

    Every Albert Heijn should be forced to devote at least half its space to food that isn’t boring, this should be audited weekly by german auditors who have no sense of humour. Any stores not meeting this requirement should be blown to dust by a bunker buster bomb and the crater left as a warning to others.

    All local council offices to be redesignated as ‘happy fun palaces’, and all staff should wear clown outfits and trained in simple magic tricks and making ballon animals.

    What do you think?

  28. Alison says:

    Sheesh. Between the holidays and visitors I completely missed this news of your takeover. Actually, I blame my Google Reader for making it almost impossible to read stuff anymore. Can you do anything about that as ruler? Anyway …

    Long live the king!

  29. Invader_Stu says:

    Citizen Smith – I love it. Although I think the German might be to serious for making sure the food in AH is fun. It might not seem very efficient to them.

    Alison – I’m not sure Google comes under the durastiction of Holland but I’ll try.

  30. Environmental Changes in Holland | Famsterdam Life says:

    […] Changes in Holland Leave a comment » A while ago, fellow blogger Stuart launched its domination plan upon the Netherlands. (This link I just wrote might help him come up in Google side by side with medieval Spaniards or, […]

  31. Humble servant says:

    Abolish circle parties!

  32. Rasa says:

    I think I should put a tent in Amsterdam train station and finally see “our new king”. I think I take some flowers (in this case they should be plastic ones because I do not know when I will be so lucky to meet; otherwise “it’s too expensive” as dutch say…. )
    As our new King is an invader our life soon will be much easier. The most important : to forbid circle parties. The rest we will manage :D
    P.S. I like the idea about Albert Heijn, only I think this is necessary for all supermarkets:)

  33. Invader Stu says:

    Humble Servant – Hhhmmmm. I’ll think about it. If they were gone I would not be able to make fun of them.

    Rasa – I will keep an eye out for a tent in the train station and say hallo :)

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