The Trouble With Dutch Waiters

Dutch Waiters

The first mistake anyone can make when entering a Dutch bar, café or restaurant and trying to get the Dutch waiter’s attention is: entering a Dutch bar, café or restaurant and trying to get the Dutch waiter’s attention. Dutch waiters simply don’t like their attention being got. It is a fact of nature.

Trying to Get the Attention of a Dutch Waiter

Trying to get the attention of a Dutch waiter, waitress or any other member of bar staff is a battle of wills which can rarely be won. You might eventually get served but this only occurs when the Dutch waiter has decided to acknowledge your attempts to do so (which they will still do begrudgingly).

For example: whenever you enter a café in Holland it is inevitable that the waiter behind the bar is cleaning a glass. It is also inevitable that they will suddenly develop extreme tunnel vision and your approach to the bar will go unnoticed. In addition to this, they will become extremely dedicated to the cleanliness and hygiene of that one single glass (in a way that suggests an extreme case of obsessive compulsive disorder). They will clean it over and over again and seemingly fail to notice you waiting for them to put it down. It should be noted that a blind and deaf man has more awareness of his surroundings than a Dutch waiter who wants to avoid dealing with customers.

This glass cleaning technique will continue well past the point of un-comfortableness and force you to question your own existence as all of your coughing, arm waiving and flare firing continue to go unnoticed during their Gollum-like fascination with the very clean glass.

However, if you have the strength to wait long enough even a Dutch waiter will eventually have to admit to themselves that the glass is clean enough, put it down and (if they don’t pick up another) let their attention be got.

The Dutch Language Test

There is one very important thing that must be remembered once you have the attention of a Dutch waiter: do not attempt to order in Dutch if you are not Dutch. Seriously, don’t do it. Speaking to the Dutch in their own language rarely works at the best of times. They can instantly recognize a non-Dutch accent. Normally this might just mean they would reply in English… But not in the case of the Dutch waiter.

The waiter is already unhappy that they had to give you their attention. If you attempt to order in Dutch you will become their play-thing as they pick your Dutch speaking ability to pieces and refuse to fulfill your order until you can pronounce it better than Queen Beatrix herself. You will not be allowed to switch back to English either. They will force you to finish what you started in the interest of, “learning the language.”

In fact, Dutch waiters are so strict when it comes to the use of their own language that if they were used as part of the Inburgeringstoets process (Dutch Immigration and citizenship test) most applicants would probably end up being barred from the country. That or give up after being ignored for so long and move to Belgium.

You better enjoy that beer once you have it because it will be a long time until you get another. Dutch waiters really don’t like their attention to be got.

Dutch waiters are just one example of how Dutch customer service is sometimes questionable.

Stuart

Stuart is an accident prone Englishman who has been living in the Netherlands since 2001. Even his move to the country was an unintentional accident, the result of replying to a cryptic job advertisement he found one day in a local British magazine. Since then he has learned to love the Dutch (so much so that he married one of them) and now calls the country home. He started the blog Invading Holland in 2006 as a place to share his strange stories of language misunderstandings, cultural confusions and his own accident prone nature.

34 Responses

  1. VallyP says:

    I read your post out to Koos, stu, and he was saying ‘yes,yes,yes!!’ throughout the piece, laughed uproarously (as did i) and agreed with every single word. It’s a wonder they make any money really isn’t it? It’s the apparent boredom they demonstrate when they do eventually accede that they have to serve you that gets me going…

  2. Alison says:

    This is why we almost never go anywhere other than our local. We’re good friends now with the family and staff that owns/runs the place, so it’s not a problem. On the other hand, when I went to a cafe for lunch with a visiting friend of mine, it took forever to get service and then when I tried to order a Perrier (with the French pronunciation, which we use even in the US), the waitress had no idea what I was ordering until I finally had to point to it on the menu. Then she corrected me by pronouncing the R at the end of the word. Come on! The Netherlands is closer to France than the US! If we can say it properly in the US, it shouldn’t be so confusing here in the Netherlands! Then she forgot to actually place our food order. But at least she was very cheery throughout the whole mess!

  3. Neil says:

    I’ve noticed this myself :) I normally end up shouting ‘excuse me!’ and making the situation even worse!
    I’ve only recently discovered your site and am enjoying reading the back catalogue of articles. Thanks!

  4. Lily says:

    Am I the only one who doesn’t recognise this behaviour?! :-) Any time we go to a pub here, we’re always approached (pretty quickly) and place our order. We don’t have to stand at the bar or anything. I can order in Dutch okay – they’re USUALLY pretty friendly and patient around these parts & when I speak Dutch, people usually ask me questions about where I’m from or why I’m here. Perhaps it’s a difference between living in somewhere like Amsterdam and a small-ish town?

  5. Anneke says:

    Amsterdam does have a nasty reputation service wise. Most cities I’ve been/lived are npt like that. Then again, Amsterdammers are known throughout the country for being assholes…

  6. Laura says:

    I asked for a coffee at our Volksuniversiteit canteen last night (the Haarlem one where I take Dutch lessons). I try to order in Dutch (not that asking for “koffie” is a great effort!) Although the coffee wasn’t ready, she said I could get free coffee from the machine. Fine.

    Then I asked for “zoetjes”, which you can’t get from the machine (Canderel or sweetener, whatever you want to call it). The woman didn’t understand me. I kept saying, “zoutjes! zoutjes” “Canderel!” “voor de koffie!” “niet suiker maar…zoetjes!” my hands flying around, gesturing.

    She replied in English, “the coffee machine is in the corner!” “Nee!!” I said, “zoutjes! voor in de koffie!”

    After saying the word ten times, she finally said, “oh, zoutjes?” and she pointed to the end of the counter, where a bowl of zoutjes were.

    Could somebody PLEASE tell me how I was supposed to pronounce it any differently than I did? rofl!! If I can’t even get that right after five years, I’m dooooomed…;)

  7. Keith says:

    Stu – I take it that some insensitive waiter has upset you then? There’s no need to get all bitter and twisted about it; the next time this happens just go over to him and give him a good hard kick on the shin bone, whilst screaming into his ear “Oy! I NEED A DRINK/FOOD COS I’M BLOODY STARVING!”. See? Just use a little tact. It works every time. . .

  8. zed says:

    The beer is far better in Belgium anyway ;-)

  9. Anneke says:

    @ Laura, I always just say ‘nepsuiker’ :) Btw, the oe is pronounced like the o in do. (as in the verb ;) )

  10. thamarai says:

    Perhaps Amsterdam is one extreme. Though I din’t find the waiters to be all sweet and super helpful, but they din’t make us wait so long in Eindhoven. But I have to admit the general rudeness level is pretty high.

  11. Invader_Stu says:

    VallyP – I know. They are never even happy when you want to pay the bill. I also wonder how they make their money.

    Alison & Laura – As an English person I really don’t get it. I hear people from other countries pronouncing whole sentences badly in my language and I can still understand them. But with the Dutch if one sound is slightyl off they can’t seem to make the connection.

    Neil – Welcome to the site :) It seems that anything you do to get noticed just annoys them more.

    Lily – You are one of the lucky ones :)

    Keith – It is a good idea but there is no knowing what a Dutch waiter would do if I did that. They don’t react like normal people.

    zed – That I can agree with. I’m just happy that the beer in Holland is better then the bear in England.

    thamarai – I would not be surprised if any tourist city is an extreme case.

  12. Anita says:

    Hehehe ! That’s why I like to read expats’ blogs. Can you believe that even at a company party (& while pregnant) the waitress wouldn’t serve me canapes ? I even heard she commenting loud to another waitress: “Pregnants eat for two. This woman always want something from my tray”. Incredible !

  13. Amanda Blog and Kiss says:

    On the flip side of this, it feels soooo nice to work in bars and not give a crap about the customers. Coming from an American “the customer is right even when he’s wrong and HE KNOWS IT” background, the ability to ignore a customer until you’re ready is priceless.

    There, I said it. So sue me.

    See you tonight!

  14. Invader Stu says:

    Anita – Wow. That takes it to a whole other level

    Amanda Blog and Kiss – Is that why you never served me? :( :P

  15. be.bart says:

    Why would you order anything in a Dutch bar? If you want a decent drink, go south young man (I agree with Zoe on that one).

    But if you really must, take a flare gun with you. Works for me!

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