Dutch Integration Checklist (Inburgering Exam)

Dutch Integration Checklist

Thank you for agreeing to take the Dutch Integration test/Inburgering Exam. The aim of this test is to determine how well you have integrated into Dutch culture during the time you have spent in the Netherlands. Please answer the questions below truthfully and honestly to the best of your knowledge for the best test results:

Dutch Integration Checklist/Inburgering Exam

What is your name?
Stuart B (aka: InvaderStu)

Are you able to communicate in Dutch?
If by ‘communicate’ you mean order beer and bitterballen; yes.

Do you know why it is important to pronounce “Scheveningen” correctly and are you able to do so?
Yes. During World War 2 the Dutch used to shoot people who were unable to pronounce Scheveningen correctly because they were most likely German spies. Since I neither wish to be shot or mistaken for a German I have tried very hard to learn how to pronounce it right. Sometimes I get nervous when a Dutch person approaches me in the street and I just randomly shout Scheveningen at them.

Do you own a Dutch flag?
No but I do own a pair of socks with the Dutch flag on them. They were a Sinterklaas gift.

Have you ever skated on ice?
Not intentionally.Do you own a bicycle?
I do but it is a German bike. The last time I had to get it repaired the Dutch bicycle repairman I took it to was not very happy about this fact. I shouted Scheveningen several times to reassure him.

Have you ever had a bike stolen?
I thought I did once but it turned out I’d simply not noticed the large construction sign stating; “Do not park your bike here or we will take it away with the rest of the bike rack we are replacing!” In my defense the sign was in Dutch and I got my bike back after a week.

Have you ever decorated a bike in an outrageous fashion?
Not yet but I’m thinking about taking my bike on Pimp My Ride.

Have you ever eaten stamppot?
I have tried most kinds of stamppot and have even invented some of my own. However, I am still trying to find someone who is willing to help me market M&M stamppot and speculoos stamppot.

Have you ever made a joke at the expense of a Belgium?
Don’t be daft. Not even a Belgium is going to pay to hear a joke… Only the Irish would do that.

Have you ever visited the red light district?
Only to do some window shopping.

Have you ever celebrated Queen’s Day?
Yes. I love Bohemian Rhapsody and know all the lyrics.

Do you know what a Zwarte Pieten is?
Yes. However, I had no clue what they were the first time I saw a parade of them marching, jumping and skipping towards me on a crowded street in Haarlem. It was one of the most puzzling experiences of my life (only just beaten by the time a woman wearing a fake rubber penis approached me in the same street a few weeks later followed by a camera crew).

Thank you for completing the Dutch Integration Checklist/Inburgering Exam. If you feel that any important integration questions have been left off the list please let us know.

31 responses to “Dutch Integration Checklist (Inburgering Exam)”

  1. Breigh says:

    I’m SO down for the M&M stampot!

  2. Anneke says:

    Haha! FAIL! :P I remember looking at questions in the real test a few months ago, and I know that I would fail miserably if I had to take the integration test. And I AM Dutch! How stupid is that, even Dutch people themselves fail the test. Anyway, these questions should be included.

  3. Lopa says:

    hehehe, you definitely failed… hehe
    ok not failed but 50-50 chance as i liked you ans on Scheveningen ;)

    I got the questionnaire from gommente but i have been neglecting it so far, it being completely in Dutch. Lets see how long that can go on ! :)

  4. Anita says:

    Once a colleague of mine who just just arrived in the NL collided with his bike against a bunch of Zwarte Pieten. He didn’t know what to think when he saw a group of them; instead of breaking he just accelerated with his bike towards them. Since then he cannot tolerate seeing any of them, he developed a kind of aversion.

  5. Alison says:

    Our Dutch friends have a sort of running checklist for things that mean we are integrating: we’ve played sjoelen, we have a Senseo, we’ve learned various naughty versions of proper Dutch songs …

    I’m also quite fluent when it comes to ordering beer, and a local bar owner here even has a copy of our keys in case we get locked out. How much more integrated do I need to be? ;)

  6. kiki says:

    You’ll be Dutch when you’ve moved the contents of your flat with a bakfiets. Scheveningen!!!!

  7. Super Pi says:

    I am still laughing because about a week ago I was telling a friend about the Scheveningen thing :-D
    I haven’t moved the contents of my flat with a bakfiets yet… but I have bought some things at Marktplaats. Does it count??? :-)

  8. Aledys Ver says:

    Lol! Hilarious!! M&M stamppot? That’s somthing I might even be willing to try!
    I took the sample test a couple of weeks ago together with my husband and a friend of his, both Dutch, and -I- got a higher score :P
    I have to admit that many of the questions were badly formulated… so why don’t you give it a try and send this questionnaire to the IND? :o) They might pay you with a Dutch bike and then you could stop having to shout out “Scheveningen!” all the time :o)

  9. VallyP says:

    If you’ve never had your bike stolen properly then you’re definitely not integrated Stu…mind you I’ve had 7 stolen and my integration is still in question. I can’t say Scheveningen properly yet either, so I avoid policemen and tall, serious looking men with thier hands in their pockets….lol.

    Really good answers by the way. I’d love it if you really got a test like that. Could be so much fun!

  10. Orangesplaash says:

    That was really funny..had me rolling on the floor. Nice answers. I guess you are not integrated into the Dutch society unless you can do ice skating and change the tulips in your vase everyday !!

  11. Wezz6400 says:

    1. Wezz6400
    2. Yes, vloeiend
    3. No.
    4. More like falling with a bit of standing up in between. I blame global warming.
    5. Yes, but it’s broken. I need a new one but I’m too lazy. Can’t blame it on the weather anymore unfortunatly.
    6. No, I’m too smart not to have a proper lock. :P
    7. Yes, as a child I decorated it to celebrate Queen’s Day. Once it rained which created a big orange mess out of the paper.
    8. Yes, so often nowadays I don’t like them anymore. I guess that makes me the typical whiny Dutchman.
    9. Always, I love to make fun of people, especially Belgians and Germans.
    10. No, too cheap to pay for sex. ;-)
    11. All throughout my child years. Nowadays I don’t really celebrate, but I don’t hate it either. Unlike christmas.
    12. Yes ofcourse, just like all Dutch children I was scared of them. Nowadays I envy them for having the privilege of legal child abduction and molestation. ;-)

  12. gvg says:

    I know what Zwarte Pieten are, and I know what Zwartepieten is.
    But then, I’m Dutch.

    Had my whole department do the Inburgeringstoets one day. About 50% failed.

    http://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zwartepiet

  13. Invader Stu says:

    Breigh – Chocolate, peanut or crunchy?

    Anneke – so many of my Dutch friends have also said they would fail. I think you all have to face facts. You all just have to leave the country and give it over to us exapts :p

    Lopa – Careful that you don’t neglect it for too long. they might come looking for it :p

    Anita – He must be having Piet flashbacks.

    Alison – I have a sjoelbak and I know several rude Dutch words but sadly I don’t drink coffee.

    kiki – Maybe we will be doing that soon :) Will you help out again? :p

    Super Pi – Was it a bakfiets? Then maybe yes.

    Aledys Ver – Would they be able to give me something so I don’t have to shout it out in supermarkets?

    VallyP – Ohhhh ok then. I’ll try to get my bike stolen just for you.

    Orangesplaash – I have to own a vase first.

    Wezz6400 – Hehe. I like number 7.

    gvg – Did you have to deport 50% of your department then?

  14. zed says:

    Scheveningen is easy to pronounce – after ‘mechelsesteenweg’ and all the other long-winded names of roads here, it’s a piece of cake.
    Is stamppot like stoempf? (Mash with veg in.)
    I got 9 right – and I have Belgian nationality (although am originally a Brit) and yes, I have made several jokes at the expense of Belgians. It was the best way to wind my Ex up ;)

  15. Invader Stu says:

    Yep. It looks like stamppot and stoempf are one and the same. And I think you get extra points since you are using Belgian jokes to wind up your ex.

  16. Dragonlady says:

    We have a test in Britain for those who want to become British citizens.You know what, all the British would fail.

  17. gvg says:

    @Stu. Nope. We let them do the test on our way home from Belgium and had them actually get out of the bus at the border.

  18. Invader Stu says:

    Dragonlady – I’m not surprised

    gvg – Efficient

  19. my little expat kitchen says:

    This is hilarious!
    Magda

  20. Gez says:

    OK, lets see how I do then…

    Name:
    Gerard “Gez” Danks. See? My first name is a common Dutch name. Even if i was born in the UK. But at least moving over here I can get memorabilia with my name on it, like mugs, towels, keyrings and loo paper!

    Are you able to communicate in Dutch?
    Yes. Can order bier, bittergarnituur, and know how much I should be paying too.

    […] Scheveningen […]?
    Yes, and just about. Hopefully good enough to not be shot.

    Dutch flag?
    Nope. Nor do we have a place to fly it from if we did either.

    Skated on ice?
    Yes. Once in the UK on a rink, twice here – Once on a rink, and recently on “semi-natural” ice.

    Bicycle?
    Yes. A Sparta.

    Bike Stolen?
    Only my old BSA racing bike, in the UK.

    Decorated bike?
    No. but it does have two HUGE panniers on. Large enough to carry my Warhammer 40k model cases in.

    Eaten stamppot?
    Yes. My g/f introduced me to it on my first visit. I even made it back in the UK.

    Belgian jokes?
    Who needs to make jokes about Belgians? Their roads are a joke, and that’s enough!

    Visited RLD?
    Twice. Once with g/f showing me around (1st visit), and once with us showing parents around (their 1st visit).

    Celebrated Queen’s Day?
    Yes. And parents should be visiting for this year’s.

    Zwarte Pieten?
    Yes. I know what they are. And not being (or planning to be) a parent, the more screaming brats they bag + tag and drag back to Spain, the better :)

    Did I pass?

  21. Zen says:

    I think you should add “Do you know who Charlie is?” as it seems whenever i am in Amsterdam random people seem to what to ask me his whereabouts, why they would think i would know I don’t know as I obviously don’t look like a local. And yes i know what they are asking :) but still…

  22. Invader Stu says:

    my little expat kitchen – Thank you

    Gez – Hhhmmm. I think you really have to have your bike stolen in the Netherlands for it to count but I guess you pass. You did better than me either way.

    Zen – You’re so right. I get asked all the time too. I tried to find out who he was a while back: http://www.invadingholland.com/?p=321

  23. A Touch of Dutch says:

    Great post! You had me laughing all the way through :-)

  24. Tess says:

    M&M stamppot… *LOL* That is like ‘Snickers in the hole’:p

  25. Invader Stu says:

    A Touch of Dutch – Thanks :)

    Tess – Is ‘Snickers in the hole’ real?

  26. Tess says:

    *LOL* I can cook you some if you like? ;o)

  27. Invader Stu says:

    Should I be scared… because I feel scared

  28. Manictastic says:

    Belgium is not to be mocked. Or we will, and I repeat, we will send all of you without beer and chocolate and waffles to bed. :P

  29. Invader Stu says:

    Manictastic – But, but, I didn’t. I was making fun of the Irish. Oh wiat… they could take away the Guinness. Dam!!!!!

  30. Canalrat says:

    Sign me up for the M&M stampot! I make a similar stampot with ice cream, hagelslag and Baileys… Pretty sure the misuse of hagelslag means I am not yet sufficiently integrated.

  31. Luana Bacci says:

    “Belgian jokes?
    Who needs to make jokes about Belgians? Their roads are a joke, and that’s enough!”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Could not agree more!

    As an expat living in Belgium, I think we can make a lot of fun about Belgian traffic in general. Roads, signs, drivers, rules…

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