Dealing with Tourists: Coffee Shop Directions

Coffee Shop Amsterdam

Today’s lesson: How to deal with tourists in Amsterdam who have asked you for directions to a coffee shop with the intention of purchasing and inhaling marijuana.

Step 1) Pretend to be in deep thought for a moment:
You don’t actually need to think about the question you have been asked, you only need to appear as if you are. To aid you achieving the correct look you may wish to use this opportunity to think about what you would like to eat for dinner or what kind of gift you should buy for a loved one.

Step 2) Choose a random direction:
Any direction will do fine but it must be random. You may wish to use a randomizing technique such as ‘eeny, meeny, miny, moe’. If you decide to do so you must insure that you do not say it out loud. It is important that your tourist does not hear the selection process or know that it is random.

Step 3) Point in the random direction you have chosen:
The arm should be raised and the finger extended to indicate the direction.

Step 4) Repeat the following:
“Yeah. There is a really good coffee shop just a short walk that way. You can’t miss it, mate.”

Be sure to say this clearly and with confidence so that it is believable. Why not practice saying it now in the mirror.

Step 5) Bid fair well to your tourist and wish him a pleasant stay in the Netherlands:
Congratulations. You have just dealt with your tourist. You can now go about your day confident in the fact that they will soon find the coffee shop they desire. After all, you are in Amsterdam and there is always a coffee shop within two minutes walk of any direction. Just because you don’t know it is there does not mean it is not there.

Join us again next week when we learn the advanced technique of giving them directions to Starbucks just for fun.

12 responses to “Dealing with Tourists: Coffee Shop Directions”

  1. Avalon Greene says:

    OMG, that is a good way to deal with Tourists. I have to remember that one for future usage.
    Got to admit, I like your blog and almost check daily. Love your updates. Keep it up!

  2. Anita says:

    I would reply: “I am a tourist as well !” Gosh, I am bad with directions (flat country).

  3. Anneke says:

    I always say I have absolutely no idea. Bacause I don’t. In Nijmegen there aren’t many tourists, but all the exchange students count too, don’t they? All the American kids want to smoke pot, and I never know where to buy it. I’ve had some incredulous looks… :D

  4. zed says:

    You have Starbucks in Holland? So far, we’ve been lucky and only have one: at the airport.

  5. VallyP says:

    I only know one here in Rotters but always say after long and careful consideration “Geen idee!” while shaking my head slowly. It’s far too complicated to explain, even in English!

    By the way, I thought we only had Starbucks at the airport too…or is that the point?

  6. Invader Stu says:

    Avalon Greene – It works best in Amsterdam or a place with a stupid amount of coffee shops. And thanks for the compliment.

    Anita – I’ve done that too in some cases.

    Anneke – Depending on how many coffee shops Nijmegen has it might work there too.

    Zed & VallyP – Sadly there is now a Starbucks in Amsterdam central as well. It opened last month.

  7. Avalon Greene says:

    There should come more Starbucks in Amsterdam. Since I went to Manchester I am addicted to it :P Was a shock to see a Starbucks when I went to Disneyland Paris :)

  8. Invader Stu says:

    Avalon Greene – Oh I’m sure there will be. Now that the defences have fallen and they have set up a forward base in central station it will not be long before the rest of Amsterdam falls.

  9. Super Pi says:

    Hehehe, this reminds me to another post of yours about who is Charlie and why everybody is looking for him. By the way, I didn’t know until yesterday who this Charlie was (yes, I am that innocent).

    Regarding directions… I once met a couple of Spanish guys that asked me for directions to a “Rembrandt” hotel. I shaked my head saying “no idea”, but they insisted… “It’s close to a canal!!” they said :-)

  10. Avalon Greene says:

    Lucky we don’t have much canal’s in Amsterdam. So that would be pretty easy to find :S

  11. Invader Stu says:

    Super Pi & Avalon Greene:
    The best thing is to tell them to follow the closest canal :p

  12. Peter says:

    Last time I got that one was between Wageningen and Ede. I pointed in the direction of the most spookiest, darkest and lonely forest around. Legend says they are smoking eucalypt while looking for it.

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