No Hands

No Hands

“I am a man!”

Nearby co-workers turned their heads as I strolled into the office with great pride and triumph booming from my voice. They were are all obviously deeply curious and jealous about whatever achievement had caused me to display such manly pride.

“What is it this time?” one of them asked.

“I have just successfully figured out how to ride my bicycle with no hands.” I waved my hands as I relayed the story in case there was any doubt that I had hands.

“Congratulations,” my obviously envious Dutch co-worker replied, “You can now do the same thing that every five year old in this country can do.”

Not to be put down by this I grinned and quickly added, “And I have the language skills to match.”

Stuart

Stuart is an accident prone Englishman who has been living in the Netherlands since 2001. Even his move to the country was an unintentional accident, the result of replying to a cryptic job advertisement he found one day in a local British magazine. Since then he has learned to love the Dutch (so much so that he married one of them) and now calls the country home. He started the blog Invading Holland in 2006 as a place to share his strange stories of language misunderstandings, cultural confusions and his own accident prone nature.

37 Responses

  1. AstridQK says:

    Dear Stu,

    There are special AA kind of meetings for this rushfeeling. I hope you understand the danger you’re in….

  2. suus says:

    There’s this old Dutch joke about handless cycling. “Kijk eens mama, zonder handen! BOEM. Kijk eens mama, zonder tanden!”
    :)

  3. Invader_Stu says:

    Tiffany – My secret was just trying it in stages. A friend of mine also said wearing a backpack helps. I guess it provides extra balance.

    Jules – Have you tried it since?

    AstridQK – Yeah. Yeah. Next you’ll be telling me I’m not just hurting myself but I’m also hurting the ones I love. Bla. Bla :p

    Suus – lol. I like that one. I’m also happy I did not have to use google translate to get it.

  4. AstridQK says:

    Eeeeh, no. There is also another proverb: wie niet luisteren wil, moet maar voelen :P

  5. Dragonlady says:

    I’ve just put Suus comment through Google translate. Don’t do it Stu, the toothless look is not a good look.

  6. Invader Stu says:

    AstridQK – Who does not want to listen, but to feel? Google translate has failed me.

    Dragonlady – You don’t think I could pull it off?

  7. Peter says:

    It’s quite a feat. Took me a while too.

  8. Wrong Side of the Pond says:

    Some of the best ideas in life seem to happen when one is drunk…

    …Well, best from the perspective of the spectator anyways.

  9. Invader Stu says:

    Peter – I see you are a level of mastery above me too. I’ve not yet been able to wave my hands around while cycling.

    Wrong Side of the Pond – So so true.

  10. AstridQK says:

    Google is close, but they put the words wrong…

    The one who doesn’t want to listen, has to suffer the consequences for himself :P

  11. Maybe you could try learning how to ride a unicycle next! :D

  12. Dragonlady says:

    maybe thats what your Dad thought when he climbed that tree.

  13. suus says:

    “Barb the French Bean :

    Maybe you could try learning how to ride a unicycle next! :D”

    Yes, that is the ultimate goal. not kidding: I once saw a dutch dude (with dreadlocks) ride a unicycle while delivering pizzas. No, it wasn’t a dream. Reality is weirder :)

  14. Invader Stu says:

    Barb the French Bean – With my luck?

  15. Aledys Ver says:

    This reminds me of my attempts to stick out my hand to indicate I was going left or right on the bike. I couldn’t lift my hand, so basically what I did was signal with my head… frantic nod to the left, frantic nod to the right…

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