Wed
21 Nov
Categories: Random

This week NASA revealed that the Mars Rover ‘Curiosity’ has discovered something big. Something huge! Something for the history books! Something that will blow our minds!… But they are are not telling us what it is yet. Although the discovery will not be made public until December I for one wish to welcome to our new alien overlords.

Normally I would not write about this kind of thing on my blog but I could not pass up the opportunity to make a bunch of nerdy jokes as I make wild speculation about what this important discovery could be.

WARNING: Readers born after the 80s might not have a clue what I am rambling on about.

  • The Mars Rover has confirmed that men are from Mars. A second mission is required to confirm whether women are from Venus.
  • The last transmission from the Martian surface simply shows the Mars Rover getting face-hugged before the video feed cuts out.
  • After an encountered with a black obelisk the Mars Rover evolved into the first entity to fully understand the real meaning behind the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
  • NASA has made contact with representatives of a race with far superior technology to our own; Mr & Mrs Spoon of Button Moon.
  • The Mars Rover was attacked and scavenged for parts by a tribe of Clangers.
  • The Mars Rover was attacked by a group of Jawas and sold to a young farm boy strong in the ways of the force.
  • The Mars Rover accidently stumbled through a Star Gate.
  • The Mars Rover has been adopted by The Doctor as a replacement for K9.
  • The real primary mission has been complete; search for Spook.
  • The mission has had to be put on hold because the Mars Rover has become romantically involved and run off with one of the aliens from Batteries Not Included.
  • In an unexpected turn of events NASA has to hold a press conference revealing to the world that the aliens from Mac & Me are real.
  • NASA are disappointed to discover that they have been beaten to it and the first man mission to Mars has been completed by Wallace & Gromit who were discovered having a picnic on the surface of the planet.
  • The inhabitants of Mars reviled themselves to NASA by lodging a formal complaint about the noise of all the Mars Rover’s digging and drilling.
  • After analysing soil samples and consulting the Dulux paint colour range NASA can now confirm that Mars is more ‘Summer Nights Crimson’ then ‘Red’.
  • The Mars Rover has discovered the crashed remains of; The Battlestar Galactica, Red Dwarf or George Jetson’s Space Buggy.
  • The Dutch really did do this…
  • … and it worked.

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    Thu
    24 May

    This is a completely improvised blog post, written live during the euro vision song contest semi final (Now Updated with links):

    “Wow. I really believe these presenters are improvising everything they are saying. It sounds so spontaneous and not painfully rehearsed at all.”

    “I think Jamiroquai had a sex change and is singing for Holland.”

    “I would have loved to have been at the meeting were that one Malta singer pitched yellow trousers as a good idea.”

    “I think the Belarus entry is having an identity crisis. Death metal? Pop? Boy Band? Christian rock? What are you aiming for????”

    “Euro Vision, this is starting to physically hurts. Stop trying so hard.”

    “Is this the Croatia entry or the Scottish entry. I’m not sure because of the two Scottish goth dancers in the black kilts.”

    “Oh my god! The female Swedish entry just broke out the MC Hammer dance moves. That was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life (I actually could not stop laughing for a full minute).”

    “Hey! Lady Gaga just made a cameo in the Georgia entry. I think she helped out with the costumes too.”

    “I’m feeling pretty ashamed to be European right about now.”

    “Hey, Eurovison Song Contest organisers here is an idea; hire some presenters who can actually present and don’t act like terrified blocks of wood.”

    “There seems to be a bunch of super hero pirates singing for Turkey. It’s the only explanation for the capes and the nautical theme.”

    “Oh my god! The boat! The boat! Look at them rocking out in the boat!”

    Slovakia has either taken us back to the 80s or 90s. I’m not sure which yet.”

    “The Norway entry looks like it’s being sung by the cast of the hair wax commercial.”

    “Is the Lithuania entry wearing a blind fold because he was kidnapped by the mafia and forced to sing in euro vision song contest?”

    “Did he just sing; I can’t believe it’s shoe?”

    “The Bosina & Herzergovian entry is going to have someone’s eyes out with those shoulder Pads.”

    ”My God!The male presenter just won’t stop grinning. It’s starting to get scary.”

    “95% of the camera shots in this year’s Eurovsion song contest involved the varouse bands pointing into the camera.”

    “The presenters have finally realized no one actually listens to anything they say and just started babbling. Agh! They’ve seen the glitch in the Matrix.”

    “The male presenter seems to have been gone for a while now. I think his grin finally ruptured and he had to be rushed off to hospital.”

    “Oh god no! He’s on stage and he is singing an Abba song with the previous winners… I say singing an Abba song. I mean murdering an Abba song.”

    “Wow. This presenter is as good at building suspense.”

    “No Holland but; Yessss!!! Sweden made it through. We get to see more sweet McHammer moves.”

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    Tue
    10 Aug

    This is a completely improvised, written as it happens blog post. I’ve never done one of these before so it is a bit of an experiment. I am currently sitting in the front room of a friend’s house in Amsterdam. He’s not here. He’s in Australia. Don’t worry. I’ve not broken in. I’m house sitting for him. It is 11:45 at night. My girlfriend is asleep downstairs and for the last 15 minutes I have been listening to someone in the street watching a very loud movie while I try to write another not so improvised blog post.

    At least I assume they are watching a movie. Maybe they are just having a shoot-out/car chase/military incursion going on in their living room. Either way I have become too intrigued in trying to work out what movie they are watching to write what I was originally writing.

    I’ve not worked out much about the movie so far but the plot seems to be something along the lines of; “Argh!” Bang! Bang! “Go, go, go!” Bang! Bang! “We have a situation here.” Bang! “Argh! Go, go, go!”

    In fact, for the last 15 minutes someone in the movie has been shouting “go, go, go” every few seconds. It must be a very exciting action movie or they really have to go somewhere. Maybe they are very late for a meeting.

    I think someone just gave a motivational speech but it’s hard to make out the words. The music was very motivational though and there was a lot of cheering at the end. Could it be Brave Heart? There was a very motivational speech in that movie. Were there any shoot-outs or car chases in Brave Heart? I’ve not seen it.

    No wait… That was a roar. I just heard a roar. It must be a monster movie. That or I just heard a drunk tourist in the street… No, I think it is definitely a monster movie. Maybe dinosaurs if I had to make an educated guess.

    Someone is shouting “go, go, go” again. They must be really late for that appointment.

    I could swear I just heard the voice of Jar-Jar? It’s hard to tell above all the gun fire and screaming. It could have been Shawn Connery. Were they ever in a movie together? Maybe some kind of buddy cop movie?

    There was a loud crash but that was not the movie. Someone just fell off their bike in the street.

    Now I hear emotional music. I think someone just died. I hope it was Jar-Jar and not Shawn Connery.

    And now a car alarm has been going off for the last 10 minutes. There is no way of me knowing how the Brave-Heart-Buddy-Cop-Late-For-Meeting-Monster-Movie ends now. It will be a mystery that will go forever unanswered and torment me till my grave. At least they were nice enough to let me and the rest of the street hear their movie.

    I bid you all goodnight.

    (Posted at 1:00am. This is what happens when I try to write when I should be sleeping)

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    Fri
    21 Mar
    Categories: Random

    I watch a lot of TV series. In fact you could call me an addict but I am one of those addicts who hides their problem well by reading a book every now and then.

    However, when you watch as many TV series as I do if starts to get a little hard to keep track of the individual plot lines and they start to blur together. Take this show I am watching at the moment for example:

    The survivors of a plane crash find themselves on a mysterious island where everything is not what it seems.

    One of the survivors is a doctor who unintentionally becomes the leader of the group of castaways. He spends most of his time on the beach with three of the other survivors and a white board (that they found in the plane wreckage), performing differential diagnosis on the tropical diseases the other survivors start to catch. Mysteriously, no one on the island catches lupus.

    Things get worse when they discover they are not alone on the island. After taking a census of the survivors and comparing it to the flight manifest they discover that one of the survivors is not who he says he is. In fact, he was never on the plane. He is one of the human cylons who inhabits the island and have their own dark secret addenda.

    Luckily, one of the survivors might have the answer to their escape. He develops a strange connection with the island after regaining the ability to walk again following the crash. He also has a map of the island tattooed all over his body which includes the network of strange hidden scientific research stations that were once part of the mysterious Cyberdyne Initiative. It is with in these research stations that the survivors uncover the shocking true.

    Will they get off the island with in 24 hours and be able to warn the president of the impending assassination attempt by a cigarette smoking exploding man that they have learned about on the island? Only time and the season final will tell.

    Whoever can work out all the TV show mentioned above wins a prize.

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    Mon
    1 Oct

    I work for a very professional company. We do very grown-up things like have meetings to discuss the schedule of other meetings. We have water coolers in each room which we often stand around to talk with each other and on more then one occasion at least one person has been known to wear a suit.

    Like most other companies we also have a H.R (human resources) department. I’ve always been suspicious of the term ‘human resources’ because it implies that I am viewed as simply a resource. It sounds like the phrase a bond villain might utilise when talking about some recently deceased henchmen or that doctor Frankenstein might use when listing where he got the various body parts he used to make his monster. It often makes me want to run through the rooms of the office shouting, “I am not a number. I am a free man,” until someone asks me to be quiet, put my shirt back on and go back to my desk.

    However, my opinion has recently changed.

    A few days ago the phone in our department started to ring as it often does. One of the resources answered the phone and was promptly asked by the H.R department (who was on the other end of the phone) to summon one of the other resources in the room.

    When the resource in question took the phone he proceeded to have what looked like either a very worrying or confusing phone conversation. The human resources department always calls about official business. Maybe it was bad news. Maybe he was being let go or maybe he was being ‘reassigned’ because doctor Frankenstein required more ‘resources’ for his latest project.

    It turned out neither of these were true. A member of the H.R department had just asked him if he would like to go on holiday with one of her female friends who had just recently become single again and for that reason was in need of a new travel companion.

    This seems like a different kind of ‘resource’ management then the one I am familiar with. It suddenly makes the term ‘human resources’ sound like the playful introduction an up market madam might use when introducing potential suitors.

    I never knew that relationship resource management was taught at business school as part of the human resource management curriculum. It seems that my sinister impressions of the H.R department were wrong. My only complaint is that I have not yet received such an offer myself. Maybe there is a special company form I am supposed to fill out to request a relationship resource (otherwise known as a girlfriend to those outside the human resources business).

    I will have to check if there are any details about it in my contract.

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