A lot of people have contacted me today regarding an error with their voting cards for today’s general elections here in the Netherlands. I wish to apologize deeply for this mistake and have made the correction to the voting list here:
Thank you for your continued support.
Dear leaders of Holland’s various political parties,
I could not help but notice that you have all been working very hard and putting a lot of effort in to your campaigns. I have no doubt that you are all very excited about the upcoming elections and can’t wait to see which one of you will win. It is very nice indeed to see you all so motivated. However, I regret to bring to your attention that in your enthusiasm you seem to have forgotten one very important factor… I already took control of the country a few weeks ago.
I can only assume that there was some kind of mix up or you did not yet see the flyers I put up making the announcement. It does not matter. How this mistake happened is not important. The main thing is that you should not feel bad about it. We all make mistakes (you would not believe the amount I make daily) so please don’t blame yourselves. All I ask is that next time you double check who is ruling the country first before you get too carried away.
Since you’ve all worked so hard on your campaigns I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by simply calling the elections off. So as a solution I propose that I officially enter the elections and declare myself the winner at the end of it all. That way everyone saves face and we can continue as normal with me, an Englishman, ruling over Holland.
Thank you so much for your understanding. I really appreciate it.
P.S – To keep things official I thought I would just share with you a few of the policies I am thinking of running with. Feel free to send me feedback and we can bounce some ideas back and forth:
1) Windmills for everyone! This initiative will solve both the housing and energy problem at the same time while also increasing to the Dutch ambiance of the country.
2) Open negotiations to have Holland’s next summer imported from Spain.
3) Outlaw and ban all mobile street organs (I am sorry but if I hear one more Abba hit or Disney song performed as organ music I’m going to lose it).
4) Begin a project to clean up and de-pollute the canals Amsterdam. Who knows what long lost treasures we might find down there.
5) Expand Sinterklaas’s jurisdiction to include all law enforcement (aka: naughty or nice checking) and reduce prison overcrowding by having convicted criminals dragged away by Zwarte Piet.
6) Officially ask the French to stop holding the Dutch flag the wrong way around.
People of Holland!
Upon this day I, Stuart, would like to officially announce my successful invasion of Holland and the installation of myself as your new leader and ruler.
Do not be afraid. Although this new development might sound quite alarming at first please remain calm and give it a moment to sink in.
The invasion was successfully completed yesterday when I put up some flyers announcing myself as Holland’s new ruler and no one objected.
I promise to be a just and fair ruler, a nurturing and caring leader, the kind you can invite around for tea with your ‘oma’. I promise to keep the changes to your daily life minimal. All I ask is that you refer to me as ‘King Stuart’ if we ever pass each other in the street. I also ask that you be nice to each other and don’t play your music too loudly when travelling on the public transport.
I know that I might not be a true Dutchman. I know that I might not have been born and raised amongst the windmills and tulips. I know that I might only have the Dutch language skills of a five year old but I am a true and proud ginger, a fact which makes me as orange as anyone else from this, soon to be great, country. I also eat stampot once and found it ‘lekker’.
I will be ruling the country from my apartment in Rotterdam where all important decisions about the countries future will be made over a cup of hot coco (with a biscuit). However, I cannot work on Saturday’s because it’s my turn to tidy the apartment and do the shopping so you’ll have to look after yourselves on that day.
If there is anything that you would like to see changed as I lead Holland to a bright and bold new future please send me your ideas and I’ll see what I can do about them. Unless of course it is a complaint about me as your new leader. Then I’ll most likely ignore it.
- King Stuart
I didn’t do it. I know I made jokes about messing up the Dutch political system during the city council elections due to my lack of understanding (a) Dutch (b) Politics and (c) Dutch Politics. But I swear I had nothing to do with the recent collapse of the Dutch government. I was no where near the Dutch government when it happened. I have witnesses. They can verify that I was miles away. It’s not my fault. You have to believe me… Please.
You can’t prove that I had anything to do with it anyway.