I have broken the law. I am a criminal. I might even be a master criminal. It is hard to tell at this moment since my criminal career has only just begun. However, there is no doubt that my downward spiral into a life of crime has begun.
I did not mean to break the law. My crime had not been planned. It happened by accident. However, there is no turning back now. I am forever tainted. I can no longer claim to be the innocent civilian that I once thought I was.
I will have to live with the crime I have committed for the rest of my life. Every day that I look in the mirror I will now see the face of a criminal staring back at me. I can never undo what I have done. My only hope is that those of you reading this will learn from my terrible crime…
I drove seven kph over the speed limit through a village in Friesland.
At the time I did not realize that I was driving seven kph over the speed limit or that my crime had been witnessed by a traffic camera for that matter. Never the less, from the moment it happened I was a lawbreaker on the run, a wanted man, a criminal at large… at least I was technically, until I paid the fine a few weeks later and my debt to society was fully repaid.
My family-in-law on the other hand are never going to let me forget. They are having too much fun making jokes about having a criminal in the family.
A lot of people have contacted me today regarding an error with their voting cards for today’s general elections here in the Netherlands. I wish to apologize deeply for this mistake and have made the correction to the voting list here:
Thank you for your continued support.
If you wish to know more about my policies and exciting ideas you can check my previous ‘press releases’ here:
Dear leaders of Holland’s various political parties,
I could not help but notice that you have all been working very hard and putting a lot of effort in to your campaigns. I have no doubt that you are all very excited about the upcoming elections and can’t wait to see which one of you will win. It is very nice indeed to see you all so motivated. However, I regret to bring to your attention that in your enthusiasm you seem to have forgotten one very important factor… I already took control of the country a few weeks ago.
I can only assume that there was some kind of mix up or you did not yet see the flyers I put up making the announcement. It does not matter. How this mistake happened is not important. The main thing is that you should not feel bad about it. We all make mistakes (you would not believe the amount I make daily) so please don’t blame yourselves. All I ask is that next time you double check who is ruling the country first before you get too carried away.
Since you’ve all worked so hard on your campaigns I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by simply calling the elections off. So as a solution I propose that I officially enter the elections and declare myself the winner at the end of it all. That way everyone saves face and we can continue as normal with me, an Englishman, ruling over Holland.
Thank you so much for your understanding. I really appreciate it.
P.S – To keep things official I thought I would just share with you a few of the policies I am thinking of running with. Feel free to send me feedback and we can bounce some ideas back and forth:
1) Windmills for everyone! This initiative will solve both the housing and energy problem at the same time while also increasing to the Dutch ambiance of the country.
2) Open negotiations to have Holland’s next summer imported from Spain.
3) Outlaw and ban all mobile street organs (I am sorry but if I hear one more Abba hit or Disney song performed as organ music I’m going to lose it).
4) Begin a project to clean up and de-pollute the canals Amsterdam. Who knows what long lost treasures we might find down there.
5) Expand Sinterklaas’s jurisdiction to include all law enforcement (aka: naughty or nice checking) and reduce prison overcrowding by having convicted criminals dragged away by Zwarte Piet.
6) Officially ask the French to stop holding the Dutch flag the wrong way around.
People of Holland!
Upon this day I, Stuart, would like to officially announce my successful invasion of Holland and the installation of myself as your new leader and ruler.
Do not be afraid. Although this new development might sound quite alarming at first please remain calm and give it a moment to sink in.
The invasion was successfully completed yesterday when I put up some flyers announcing myself as Holland’s new ruler and no one objected.
I promise to be a just and fair ruler, a nurturing and caring leader, the kind you can invite around for tea with your ‘oma’. I promise to keep the changes to your daily life minimal. All I ask is that you refer to me as ‘King Stuart’ if we ever pass each other in the street. I also ask that you be nice to each other and don’t play your music too loudly when travelling on the public transport.
I know that I might not be a true Dutchman. I know that I might not have been born and raised amongst the windmills and tulips. I know that I might only have the Dutch language skills of a five year old but I am a true and proud ginger, a fact which makes me as orange as anyone else from this, soon to be great, country. I also eat stampot once and found it ‘lekker’.
I will be ruling the country from my apartment in Rotterdam where all important decisions about the countries future will be made over a cup of hot coco (with a biscuit). However, I cannot work on Saturday’s because it’s my turn to tidy the apartment and do the shopping so you’ll have to look after yourselves on that day.
If there is anything that you would like to see changed as I lead Holland to a bright and bold new future please send me your ideas and I’ll see what I can do about them. Unless of course it is a complaint about me as your new leader. Then I’ll most likely ignore it.
– King Stuart