The story you are about to read is not for the faint hearted or weak of stomach. In fact, if you value your sanity at all you would be wise to stop reading these words before it is too late… If you are foolish enough to continue reading you have been warned…
Never before has such a story been told. To read a single word of it is to invite madness. It has given the bravest and manliest of men nightmares. It has reduced the strongest of minds to quivering wrecks and it has made things that go bump in the night cry out for their mummies! It is a story of true horror. Turn back now and read no further!
Still here? Have my warnings done nothing to scare you away? You must really want to know the horrors of my story. Very well… If that is the case, come closer and I will tell you…
The other night I accidently ordered fries with pindasaus… and it did not taste as bad as I remember.
I do not know how to live with myself any more.
This is a quick update about a very cool upcoming event.
On Friday the 13th of December you can catch me live on stage at Theatre PePijn in Den Haag. I’ll be joining improv group The Cyclepaths for a night of comedy and laugh out loud fun. We’ll be taking suggestions from you the audience and make up stuff on the spot for your entertainment (and ours). No script. No rehearsal. Just a show you will never forget. Anything can happen. It’s going to be a wild night of comedy with a distinctive Christmas theme.
The show starts at 20:30. Tickets are 14 euros each and are available online or at the door on the night. Check out the Theatre PePijn website for more details.
Case File #113
I should have seen this coming… In hindsight it was the logical conclusion to all the stories I shared about my Speculoos addiction… but I didn’t see it coming.
It all started on a normal day like any other. There was no reason to suspect it was going to be any different. I woke up, got ready for work, took the train and walked into the office. Nothing was out of the ordinary so far.
But then, as I approached my desk, I did discover something out of the ordinary. I discovered this…
A single jar of Crunchy Speculoos Sandwich Spread. No note. No name. Nothing to indicate where or whom it had came from. It was a mystery, a mystery jar of Crunchy Speculoos Sandwich Spread.
The mere presence of this jar raised so many questions. Where did it come from? Who is my mysterious Speculoos benefactor? Is it a gift of friendship from someone who wishes to remain anonymous (a shy admire maybe) or is it a warning from a hidden foe? Someone who has had enough of me saying Speculoos instead of Speculaas? Is there a greater game a foot here? Could this single jar of Speculoos only be the beginning of a complex game of cat and mouse? It will take all my deductive reasoning to solve this mystery…
There would be easier ways but apparently interrogating co-workers is “against company policy” so deductive reasoning it is.
First let us look at the clues we have available to us. We know that this mystery person is aware of my Speculoos addiction given the very specific nature of the gift they chose to leave on my desk. From this we can deduce the mystery man or woman reads this very blog. We can also deduce that they are someone who has access to my office. Perhaps they are someone I work alongside every day, perhaps they bribed a security guard to gain entrance, or perhaps they used the stealth of nightfall to break in undetected. Unfortunately this still leaves a wide variety of suspects.
Luckily our mystery supplier has slipped up. The biggest clue can be obtained from the jar itself if you look very carefully at the photo. Do you see it? It’s right there, staring us in the face… Studying this jar we know without a shadow of a doubt the fiendishly clever mastermind behind this while mystery… shops at The Jumbo!
Unfortunately as a civilian I am apparently not allowed to demand security camera footage from all the Jumbo grocery stores in the Amsterdam area. This sadly means that this clue is another dead end unless I start stalking co-workers to find out where they shop (which is also against company policy and I have been requested to stop doing).
But perhaps the jar has more clues to reveal to us. Upon dusting the jar for finger prints I was able to discover several distinguishing marks!
And a very clear finger print…
But again, unfortunately I do not have access to a finger print database to identify them and sending an email to all@office requesting that they submit their finger prints to me is also against company policy (what are they trying to hide?).
With no more leads to follow I must sadly close this investigation for now. However, it has not been a total loss. With my considerable detective skills I have been able to deduce that the suspect is a person who reads the internet, might be someone I work with, shops and The Jumbo and has fingers!
For now the identity of my mysterious Speculoos benefactor remains unknown but the net is slowly closing. One day I will find them… or maybe they will make themselves known. It is only a matter of time.
Great news everyone! My bicycle and I have been reunited!
That’s right. After a week of searching everywhere I have finally managed to find the spare keys and free my bicycle from its chains… Well… To be more specific; my wife found the keys… after less than five minutes of looking… in the bowl were we keep the spare keys… The bowl I had forgotten about…
But details are not important. The important thing is that I have my bike once more and it did not involve risking arrest while attempting to saw through my own locks (but thank you for all the suggestions. They will come in handy the next time this inevitably happens again).
I didn’t even recognise the keys at first when my (wife held them out in front of me). It was only after successfully unlocking my bike that I was sure they were the right keys, at which point I proceeded to cheer loudly and fist pump the air. This coursed several nearby people to give me worried looks and take a few steps away. But I didn’t care. I was just happy, happy to be reunited with my faithful bicycle once more. I cycled off, with a warm feeling inside, thinking about how lucky I can be at times and how I will never let anything bad happen to my bike ever again… and then the bicycle chain snapped… and I nearly crashed.
If one day you find yourself wondering through the bicycle racks of Amsterdam and you happen to see a lonely and forgotten red bicycle, please stop for a moment and spare it a thought.
This poor bicycle will never know freedom again. It will never be able to do all the thing that bicycle’s enjoy and are supposed to do. Never again will it cycle… anywhere…
But it does not know this yet. Instead it waits faithfully, each morning, for its owner to return. It becomes excited by every passing tourist with ginger hair who looks slightly like the owner it loves and adores.
But time will pass by and it will stay where it is… forever chained… slowly rusting… silently waiting for a freedom that will never come. And then one horrible day it will finally lose all hope and realize that no one is coming, no one will ever ride it again. And in that tragic moment it will know the fate it has been left to suffer… Because its owner (me) is an idiot and lost its keys (again).
I’m actually really sad about this (even more so after writing this farewell). It is true that this is not the first time something like this has happened. My bike has been lost to me before. But I fear this time might be the last time. With each fruitless search for the spare keys my hopes of freeing my bike from its bicycle rack prison diminishes a little more.
I’ve had my faithful little red bike ever since I first arrived in Holland in 2001. It is… was… the only bike I’ve ever had. I don’t know if I will ever learn to love another bike again but I guess I must try to get on with my life… somehow. I will always treasure the happy cycling memories that we had together… me and my little red bike.
Good bye old friend. I will miss you.