The Dutch Fleet

Dutch Fleet

Crew Members Log:
Conditions on board the tour boat are harsh. We have been patrolling the canals of Amsterdam for 20 minutes now and supplies are running low. There are only two French audio guide books and none for the Japanese. Some of us are starting to wonder if we will ever see dry land again.

We just past the Oudezijds Achterburgwal, the oldest canal in Amsterdam and once home to 16 different convents and monasteries.

I’ve heard some of the men telling stories to pass the time, unnatural, dreadful stories that would chill you to the bone. They talk about a ghost ship that sails through the canals of Amsterdam known as ‘The touring Dutchman’. They say it is an omen of doom and the bringer of bad tourist season weather. Hopefully it is a ship we will never meet but judging by the weather I fear it might be trailing our wake.

We just passed the oldest Church in Amsterdam, originally built in 1306.

When we stepped on board this tour boat each one of us swore to loyally follow our tour guide without question (until the Q&A at the end) and defend the waters of this great country, its Queen and its people in keeping with the traditions of the of the great Dutch fleets of old but as tourists I wonder how much fighting spirit we truly have amongst us.

We just passed the former headquarters of the colonial East India Company, now home to the University of Amsterdam library.

I don’t know what I would do if we were ever to engage in combat. I try not to imagine it but the scenarios start to play themselves out with in my mind. Epic and bloody battles, the madness of war, our tour guide pointing out areas of strategic interest; “If you look to your right you will see a fleet of attacking Spanish tour boats, the largest known of its kind.”

Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps me going is the promised reward of a souvenir photograph for the reasonable price of 12.99 (4.99 for reprints) in return for our loyalty and bravery.

Amsterdam Dutch Fleet
The Old meets the new – The inspiration for this post

Stuart

Stuart is an accident prone Englishman who has been living in the Netherlands since 2001. Even his move to the country was an unintentional accident, the result of replying to a cryptic job advertisement he found one day in a local British magazine. Since then he has learned to love the Dutch (so much so that he married one of them) and now calls the country home. He started the blog Invading Holland in 2006 as a place to share his strange stories of language misunderstandings, cultural confusions and his own accident prone nature.

20 Responses

  1. VallyP says:

    What a bunch of wimps your crew was….! I’ve been patrolling the Harbours in Rotterdam during the recent outbursts of revolting orange coated peasants who keep besieging the quays here….for some strange reason they keep throwing gold coloured flaming liquid in the air and shouting ‘hup..hup…holland!!’ Now if you really want to protect king (sorry queeen) and country, I suggest you come here and do some real defending like me…;-)

  2. VallyP says:

    PS Great post Stu, love the sense of history and menace…or should that be menacing history?

  3. Invader Stu says:

    I don’t know Vally. The waters of Rotterdam sound like a very dangerous place but I guess I could give it a go :p

  4. Kelly says:

    If you looking for a REAL tour boat adventure, I’d like to recommend the canal boat tour in Alkmaar. The tour is not as educational as the one in Amsterdam but ducking under every low-lying bridge for fear of losing your head more than makes up for it!

  5. Invader Stu says:

    Kelly – I like the sound of it. Tours are much more interesting when there is a danger of decapitation. Alkmaar is a nice place to.

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