Holland Reality Show

I never planned to live in Holland but fate seemed to push me towards life in the land of windmills and canals. It was purely by chance that I got a job in Amsterdam… or was it. Over the last few months I have made a discovery, something that could indicate unseen strings being pulled by shady characters in secret rooms to get me and countless other expatriates into Holland. You may think what I am about to say is far-fetched but I have evidence. It all started when one of the ‘actors’ told me more then he should have.

“Of course Holland is a fictional country.” A Dutch co-worker suddenly announced during lunch. “Come on… A completely flat country, built on land reclaimed from the sea where drugs and prostitution are legal and the locals speak a mix of German and Klingon…. Who in their right mind is going to believe that apart from tourists?”

I continued to listen as I ate my fictional uitsmijter in the fictional café as my fictional co-worker told me the truth. Holland is not real. Holland has never been real. Holland is just a television show.

To be more precise Holland is an unscripted dramatic reality TV show in which unsuspecting expatriates and tourists contestants from around the globe are let lose in a fictional land of legal prostitution, drugs and late night bars so their actions can be secretly filmed for the amusement of viewers. A sort of ‘Temptation Red Light District’.

This means every Dutch person is an actor. The person who checked my train ticket, the waiter who served my lunch, even the man who rescued me from the lift, all of them were actors. In fact there is no such thing as a Dutch person. It seemed hard to believe but after the ‘actor’ who told me the truth lost his job in strange circumstances I started to connect the dots and the peaces of the puzzle began to fall into place. The clues were all around me:

1) Secret cameras are hidden everywhere. I even managed to find one that is not far from my fictional place of work.

2) Like many other shows on TV these days Holland seems to receive a large amount of its funding from company sponsorship in return for advertising and product placement. Cheese and tulip companies appear to represent the majority of the sponsors in this case. In fact some of the larger companies must have donated a lot of money because they were able to get towns and cities in the show named after them. The Amsterdam Brewing Company for example.

3) I’m not the only person to unexpectedly end up in Holland either. I recently found out my new flat-mate did as well. How many other people living in Holland were manipulated by the television executives to become part of the show with out their knowledge?

You might not believe me. I don’t expect you to. People will say I’m mad but I know the truth now. However, I’ll play their little game. I will pretend I don’t know that I am on a reality TV show (but I might start showering with my clothes on). I’ll be a typical English Expat. No one is voting me off. I bet there is a huge prize at the end of all this. Hopfully its not just a life time supply of cheese and tulips.

23 responses to “Holland Reality Show”

  1. JaG says:

    OK, so if I’m just an actress, please, at least tell me I’m a good one!

  2. Invader_Stu says:

    You are an extremely good actress JaG. I’m sorry I had to let the secret out.

  3. Rose says:

    Are you sure nobody is voting you off?

  4. GabeMac says:

    Dude, It is making sense! My parents dragged me to Holland after I wanted to stop acting when I was a kid. All those years of headshots-auditions-dance classes-and acting classes down the drain. What better ruse than to put me on a hidden TV show. I can’t beleive my parents did that. They must be getting kickbacks still today to pay for my brothers college tuition.

  5. Rose says:

    He isn’t the only one to vote you off.:)

  6. Tamara says:

    Oh GOD!!
    I always thought I was was born here and this was all real…but you’re right, I’ve also been noticing camera’s lately.
    And did this insider by any chance also tell you if they follow you when you move out of Holland? Because I was thinking of moving to Spain…

  7. mister 0293 says:

    You WILL be erased soon..
    the lift “accident” maybe didn’t work out well, but still watch your back sonny.

    you are going way too deep in our most treasured keeped secret

  8. Invader Stu says:

    Rose – It looks like mister 0293 is going to.

    Mister 0293 – I knew it. This only proves I am on the right track. All I need to do now is find Mister 0001, the man behind it all.

    • Fred Yoder says:

      Well if you’re trying to find out who is number one, I suggest you be very careful! You may find yourself waking up in an idyllic seaside village, guarded by killer balloons…

  9. mister 0293 says:

    O.G.P (Official Governmental Procedure)

    * Everyone who conspires on this blog will be procecuted if spreading the untrue rumours
    * Invader Stu is a dangerous individual bringing the national safety in great danger
    * John de Moll is NOT the producer of this made-up-show, I repeat he is NOT the producer!

  10. Invader Stu says:

    Rose – There goes your share of the cheese and tulip prizes.

    GabeMac – See, when you start to think about it everything falls into place. It must be all be true.

    Tamara – But if you are Dutch you are one of the actors.

    Taz – Thanks

    Mister 0293 – John de Moll is mister 0001? This is going to turn into the Running Man isn’t it? I’ll have to go on the run while hunted down by Dutch gladiators who want my ‘bloed’.

  11. RM says:

    Dude, when someone from the land of legal marijuana comes out with that I gotta admit my eyebrow’s do that “rise up my forehead” thing.

    Just kidding. Awesome post :) Does this mean Holland’s Pre-TV History is kind of like a back story? hmmmm…. interesting…

  12. Daphne Wayne-Bough says:

    You’ve got expat burnout. Holland is not a TV show. Who would watch it for heaven’s sake?? Belgium, however, is almost certainly a giant spaceship.

  13. Alan says:

    Hmmm, this makes a lot of sense now. And Belgium is the place where they put all the people who weren’t quite interesting enough to make it onto the show, right?

  14. Aisling says:

    Your blog makes me happy.

    I would just give you this advice:

    Do NOT turn the television to channel 94 in Canada, or your theory may be proven further ;P

  15. Aisling says:

    Yeah, ever wonder why happened to the man who save dyou from the lift? His ratings dropped.

  16. Aisling says:

    ^By which I mean “WHAT happened to,” since the other makes no sense.

  17. Invader_Stu says:

    RM – Yep. Before the age of television Holland was simply a fictional book.

    Daphne Wayne-Bough – The plot thickens.

    Alan – If feel like I got cheated out of a space ship trip then.

    Aisling – You’re watching it? Don’t vote me off.

  18. Eon says:

    Man, that makes so much sense now that you’ve said it… I swear half the things that happen to us at ‘that company’ don’t make sense any other way.

  19. ellen says:

    All this time I thought my parents were a freaking nightmare….turns out they really aren’t real? How is it they’ve been able to make me miserable for 51 years?

    GAH.

    (born in Canada to a family of Dutch actors)

  20. Invader_Stu says:

    Ellen – Your parents fled the show to Canada? They might still be wanted for breach of contract. Do you know how many season they were signed for?

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  22. MarBlog » Blog Archive » Receiving Mail says:

    […] is just a manufactured plot twist in the reality show that is Holland. (The longer I’m here, the more I think this could be […]

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