Unlucky Horoscope


There have been times recently when I have reflected upon the recent events in my life and realized that I am no longer as accident prone or unlucky as I used to be. No bones have been broken, no lifts have I become trapped in and it’s been a very long time since I was last fooled into having my eyebrows dyed. It makes me think that I have grown up, matured and become more careful and responsible.

Then there are other times when I realize this could not be father from the truth and my horoscope might as well say, “Get extra life insurance. You’re screwed today.” The stars and planets of accident prone foolery align and everything that can go wrong does go wrong.

The following all took place with in the last weekend for example:

  • I provided target practice for bird that was in need of an emergence bowel evacuation. Judging by the ‘evidence’ I would say it was a very large and very ill pre-historic bird. I still do not know if there was a reason why it had to get it down the back of my neck other then for its own amusement.

  • I momentarily blinded myself with shampoo while in the shower. When I finally regained my sight I checked the list of contents in the shampoo to make sure acid was not one of the ingredients since it had felt like it could have been. It took sometime for my eyes to change back from stingy red to their more natural colour.

  • I knocked over half the contents of my bathroom shelf with a hair brush while still recovering from my momentary blindness. As a result I have invented a new hair gel, toothpaste and aftershave combination. The result is plak free hair that smells great.

  • A full bottle of wine was transformed into a collection of glass in a puddle of red on my kitchen floor when the simple act of opening the refrigerator door dislodged it from its secure resting place. The result looked like a peace of modern art which I decided to call ‘Unlucky Sober Man Standing in Red Wine’. Although this might have been a great addition to the art world it was a great loss to my Saturday night and did present me with the problem of safely escaping my kitchen since I was bare foot at the time. It could have been worse though, the bottle had only just missed my foot and ‘Unlucky Sober Man with Broken Toes’ does not have the same ring to it.

8 responses to “Unlucky Horoscope”

  1. Keith says:

    Could have been worse. Can’t imagine how, but it could have been!

  2. Oliveira says:

    ‘Unlucky Sober Man Standing in Red Wine’

    You are a genius. No wonder every time I meet you downtown I forget all of English language at once. (I decided never to speak to you again because I’m worried it might result in irreversible brain damage.)

  3. a usual suspect says:

    I would stay away from casinos, horse tracks, greyhound races, anything else involving the risking of money, if I were you……

  4. Jhappyone says:

    Stu, don’t you know that a bird pooping on you is actually good luck. I’m just sayin!

  5. Brother Tobias says:

    If a bird did that to me, I’d stop going out with her…

  6. zed says:

    Well, at least you are continuing to be accident-prone which makes me feel so much better as your accidents are worse than mine. Well, apart from recently tripping over a man twice my height and landing him in hospital with a broken nose and fractured cheek-bone. I could hardly move from the pain of my bruises, though.

    Oh, and my oven door fell off on my foot again two days ago. The swelling has gone down, but the pain is still there and my left foot is blue.

    Other than that, you keep on ….. tripping!

  7. Invader Stu says:

    Keith – I was thinking the same.

    Oliveira – I don’t think my medical insurance covers coursing brain damage in others.

    a usual suspect – No wonder I don’t win at poker that much.

    Jhappyone – I was told the same as a child… And I would recognise that closing line any where Jen. I’m just saying.

    Brother Tobias – My girlfriend was with me but it was not her.

    zed – My accidents are worse? :p

  8. dragonlady says:

    Do you remember the “pigeon gate” in Brugge Stu. We just got back from there. We walked through it several times but it didn’t happen to us.

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