Accidentally Insulting My Dutch Wife

Accidentally Insulting My Dutch Wife

“You’ve got something stuck between your teeth.” My wife informs me as we finish dinner.

“Thanks,” I reply after successfully removing the offending food fragment.

“Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?” She asks in return.

I quickly check as she grins at me but find nothing.

“No. You are more…”

I suddenly stop mid-sentence as my brain jumps into the conversation like a bodyguard diving in front of a bullet.

Brain: “STOPPP!”

Me: “What?! What is it?!”

Brain: “You can’t say that to a woman. Do you have any idea how that sounds?”

Me: “What? How what sounds?”

Brain: “You were about to say; You are more practised at eating then me.”

Me: “I was only… Oh… Oh god… You’re right. That sounds terrible. ”

Brain: “Quick! You’ve got to come up with something else!”

Me: “I… Err… Umm..”

Brain: “Quickly!”

Me: “Err… experienced at eating?”

Brain: “Don’t be stupid! That sounds worse.”

Me: “Oh no! She’s looking at me funny. I’ve been paused for too long. What do I do?!”

Brain: “Say something. Anything… Anything not stupid.”

“…better at eating then me.” I finish aloud.

Brain: “Oh you idiot! That’s not even correct grammar.”

Me: “I panicked. You made me panic.”

Brain: “Keep me out of this. You’re on your own.”

My brain suddenly falls silent. I am left alone. I brace myself for the reaction of my wife who is simply looking at me with an unreadable look on her face. There is a moment of silence and then… she bursts out laughing at the look of absolute fear on my face.

8 responses to “Accidentally Insulting My Dutch Wife”

  1. Alison says:

    Ah, the panic blurt! I would have suggested, “You are more neat than I am.” ;)

  2. Terri says:

    I think your brain threw you under the bus. Thankfully you were spared by your wife’s sense of humor.

    Maybe you should cultivate that look of fear? It might come in handy next time…and you know there will be a next time.

  3. VallyP says:

    LOL, Stu, you are more English than almost anyone is, let alone your wife – who happens to be Dutch, yes, I know. Anyhow, I’m quite sure only the English, and we are all so afraid of offending, would have brains that abandon us in times of need like this. Most other nationalities don’t even have….oh…ermm….sheesh, what can I say now… brain! Get me out of this!

  4. Invader_Stu says:

    Alison – I thought of a few like that later as well after the damage had already been done :p

    Terri – Oh yes. There will be lots and lots of times.

    VallyP – Brains are useless :p

  5. I don’t know which is worse for ideas: esprit d’escalier or self-checking while in mid-sentence. At least your wife’s teeth were more cooperative than yours! :P

    (And I am so totally voting!)

  6. Invader_Stu says:

    Barb – Google translate just failed me with esprit d’escalier :( And yes… my teeth never cooperate :p

  7. “Staircase wit.” It’s essentially a good comeback or response that came to mind long after it should have been said.

    The idea is that you thought of the reply on your way down the stairs and you’re all, like, “dang it! Why didn’t I think of that *before*?!”

  8. And it’s actually “esprit de l’escalier.” I don’t know if my French gets or worse better anymore…

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