Tue
27 Nov


In order to get the official answer to a few of the questions I have pondered in previous posts I did this…

Do you think he will answer? I didn’t specifically mentioned that I am a 33 year old man and not a small child but I believe it is implied through the use of language and grammar.

Special thanks to AQK1982 for providing the address and suggesting the idea.

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Wed
21 Nov
Life on Mars

Categories: Random


This week NASA revealed that the Mars Rover ‘Curiosity’ has discovered something big. Something huge! Something for the history books! Something that will blow our minds!… But they are are not telling us what it is yet. Although the discovery will not be made public until December I for one wish to welcome to our new alien overlords.

Normally I would not write about this kind of thing on my blog but I could not pass up the opportunity to make a bunch of nerdy jokes as I make wild speculation about what this important discovery could be.

WARNING: Readers born after the 80s might not have a clue what I am rambling on about.

  • The Mars Rover has confirmed that men are from Mars. A second mission is required to confirm whether women are from Venus.

  • The last transmission from the Martian surface simply shows the Mars Rover getting face-hugged before the video feed cuts out.

  • After an encountered with a black obelisk the Mars Rover evolved into the first entity to fully understand the real meaning behind the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

  • NASA has made contact with representatives of a race with far superior technology to our own; Mr & Mrs Spoon of Button Moon.

  • The Mars Rover was attacked and scavenged for parts by a tribe of Clangers.

  • The Mars Rover was attacked by a group of Jawas and sold to a young farm boy strong in the ways of the force.

  • The Mars Rover accidently stumbled through a Star Gate.

  • The Mars Rover has been adopted by The Doctor as a replacement for K9.

  • The real primary mission has been complete; search for Spook.

  • The mission has had to be put on hold because the Mars Rover has become romantically involved and run off with one of the aliens from Batteries Not Included.

  • In an unexpected turn of events NASA has to hold a press conference revealing to the world that the aliens from Mac & Me are real.

  • NASA are disappointed to discover that they have been beaten to it and the first man mission to Mars has been completed by Wallace & Gromit who were discovered having a picnic on the surface of the planet.

  • The inhabitants of Mars reviled themselves to NASA by lodging a formal complaint about the noise of all the Mars Rover’s digging and drilling.

  • After analysing soil samples and consulting the Dulux paint colour range NASA can now confirm that Mars is more ‘Summer Nights Crimson’ then ‘Red’.

  • The Mars Rover has discovered the crashed remains of; The Battlestar Galactica, Red Dwarf or George Jetson’s Space Buggy.

  • The Dutch really did do this…

    • … and it worked.

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    Fri
    16 Nov


    For expats living in Holland who have never heard of the name Sinterklaas or seen a Zwarte Piet before November and December can become a very confusing time of year. This much loved Dutch tradition naturally leaves them with a lot of questions. What is Pakjesavond and why are children leaving their shoes out? Who is Sinterklaas and why does he own a steam boat? Who are the Zwarte Piet and why do they seem to have gotten their shoe polish mixed up with their face cream? It can be a very confusing time of year indeed.

    But fear not. All these answers and more can be found right here in this collection of useful and comical Invading Holland guides that will help you figure out what the heck is going on (just click the titles):

    The Sinterklass Guide
    It’s never a good idea to compare Sinterklaas to Santa Clause, not unless you want to seriously damage diplomatic relations between Holland and your own country. This humorous guide helps highlight the key differences between the two so that you never again accidentally mix them up and risk deportation.

    Questioning Sinterklaas & Sinterklaas Mysteries
    If you are on Santa’s naughty list are you automatically on Sinterklaas’ naughty list? If Sinterklaas spends 11 months of the year in Spain why doesn’t he have more of a tan? Is Sinterklaas an eccentric billionaire? There are some questions that it’s simply best not to ask the Dutch when Sinterklaas comes to town. These two post asks them anyway.

    Sinterklaas New Stories
    Every year Sinterklaas’ boat journey from Spain to Holland is diligently followed on the news. Every present over board and every rough wave is reported with the up most journalistic credibility for the children of Holland and every year the question is the same. Will Sinterklaas arrive in time? Normally he does but what if the problems he encountered were much more… challenging?

    Stalking Sinterklaas
    A personal story about the time I almost met Sinterklaas himself, the lengths I went to to make it happen and an interesting conundrum about what exactly is considered stalking.

    Sinterklaas and Santa – (Coming Soon)
    Are Sinterklaas and Santa related? No, not really. But it can be a lot fun to mess with confused expats and tell them they are.

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    Fri
    9 Nov


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    Fri
    2 Nov


    Previously I shared a few of the warning signs for expats to look out for if they think they are starting to become Dutch. But what about the Dutch themselves? Could they also be influenced by all of us English expats moving into their country? It’s very possible. Here are a few early warning signs that might indicate you are starting to become English.

  • When a disaster strikes, no matter how devastating or terrifying it might be, your first instinct is to ‘put the kettle on’ as a means of putting things in to perspective. Even the apocalypse will seem easier to deal with once you have had a nice cup of tea (including milk and sugar).

  • Saying the word ‘sorry’ becomes an uncontrollable, automatic and involuntary reaction to everything, including things that have not actually happened yet, things that might not even happen and things that you are in no way responsible for at all. In extreme cases you will even apologise for apologising too much.

  • Your manner of speaking becomes similar to that of a Victorian villain in an American movie.

  • You start watching Strictly Come Dancing.

  • You suddenly realize you know the rules to cricket.

  • You become compelled to drive on the left hand side of the road (a real problem if you are on a Dutch highway at the time).

  • You start requesting ketchup instead of mayonnaise with your friet. In extreme cases you will be very specific that it must be HP ketchup.

  • In addition you start to refer to friet as chips and will be disappointed if they are not soggy.

  • You become confused by the Euro.

  • You measure how well you are doing in life by comparing your happiness to that of the average Eastenders character.

  • You consider Baked Beans on toast a ‘treat’ and know what Egg and Soldiers are.

  • You’ve written a letter of complaint at some point in your life.

  • You consider queuing a hobby.

  • You become frustrated by the American spelling of the word ‘colour’ and ‘favourite’.

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