31 Aug

Dear leaders of Holland’s various political parties,

I could not help but notice that you have all been working very hard and putting a lot of effort in to your campaigns. I have no doubt that you are all very excited about the upcoming elections and can’t wait to see which one of you will win. It is very nice indeed to see you all so motivated. However, I regret to bring to your attention that in your enthusiasm you seem to have forgotten one very important factor… I already took control of the country a few weeks ago.

I can only assume that there was some kind of mix up or you did not yet see the flyers I put up making the announcement. It does not matter. How this mistake happened is not important. The main thing is that you should not feel bad about it. We all make mistakes (you would not believe the amount I make daily) so please don’t blame yourselves. All I ask is that next time you double check who is ruling the country first before you get too carried away.

Since you’ve all worked so hard on your campaigns I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by simply calling the elections off. So as a solution I propose that I officially enter the elections and declare myself the winner at the end of it all. That way everyone saves face and we can continue as normal with me, an Englishman, ruling over Holland.

Thank you so much for your understanding. I really appreciate it.

Kind regards
Your leader

P.S – To keep things official I thought I would just share with you a few of the policies I am thinking of running with. Feel free to send me feedback and we can bounce some ideas back and forth:

1) Windmills for everyone! This initiative will solve both the housing and energy problem at the same time while also increasing to the Dutch ambiance of the country.

2) Open negotiations to have Holland’s next summer imported from Spain.

3) Outlaw and ban all mobile street organs (I am sorry but if I hear one more Abba hit or Disney song performed as organ music I’m going to lose it).

4) Begin a project to clean up and de-pollute the canals Amsterdam. Who knows what long lost treasures we might find down there.

5) Expand Sinterklaas’s jurisdiction to include all law enforcement (aka: naughty or nice checking) and reduce prison overcrowding by having convicted criminals dragged away by Zwarte Piet.

6) Officially ask the French to stop holding the Dutch flag the wrong way around.