22 Jun

“Come on then! I’m right here!”

I’d seen this work in action movies.

“What are you waiting for?! Come and get me!”

It’s always the climatic part of the movie. It’s the tipping point where the hero is un-able to take it anymore. He is tired, he is angry, he is beaten and bruised and he is calling the villain out for the final show down. It’s the battle that he knows he won’t walk away from but he has reached that point where he does not care anymore. He is determined to give it his all and that one way or another… it ends.

And here I was, having my heroic moment.

“Tonight we end this once and for all!”

I had reached my tipping point.

“Right here! Right now!”

I was not going to allow this anarchy and injustice to continue.

“What are you afraid of?! I’m right here!”

I was making a stand. I was calling out my tormenter, my enemy, my nemesis. I was calling out a mosquito!

“Come on you coward! FACE ME!”

I was sleepy, I was mildly irritated and I was itchy. It was a heroic image indeed. A heroic image of me standing on the end of the bed in my boxer shorts holding a novelty fly swatter shaped like a hand. Arnold Schwarzenegger eat your heart out.

Strangely the mosquito was not riled by my smack talk. There was no attack. There was no final show down where I could use my enemies anger against them. No. She was far too clever an opponent for that (only female mosquitoes suck blood). She was devious. She watched. She waited and in the morning I discovered fresh bites for my defiance.

I. hate. mosquitoes.

15 Jun

We all knew this might happen one day. We all knew the risks involved. We all understood the consequences.

There is no point assigning blame or pointing fingers now. It won’t help to bicker about whose fault it is. We’re all in this together now. Panicking won’t solve anything either no matter how easy it feels to give in to it. The important thing now is to remain calm. We can get through this if we just stick together.

Yes. We must remain calm and… and.. deal with this as responsible, mature adults. We just have to accept that it has happened because panicking will not change the fact that I, Invader Stu, am going to become a father.

Yes. You read it right. In just a few months (October in fact) I will be busy changing nappies and drinking enough caffeine to raise the dead.

I could not be more excited… absolutely terrified but excited.

8 Jun

Lies About The Dutch

Lies About The Dutch – Part 3

  • There are two types of Dutch people. Those who wear clogs and those who don’t. They have a bitter rivalry.

  • Queen’s Day is the celebration of the life and work of 80’s singer Freddy Mercury and his fellow band members. The whole country joins together in singing such classic songs as; Bohemian Rhapsody, Don’t Stop Me Now, Fat Bottom Girls and I Want To Ride My Bicycle. We miss you Freddy.

  • In order to comply with Dutch coffee shop regulations Star Bucks is legally obliged to sell you weed if you ask for it.

  • The wearing of orange during important Dutch celebrations is to ward off evil spirits who are afraid of the colour. No one likes to talk about the mass disappearances of people who were foolhardy enough to forgo wear the protective colour during Queen’s Day or the European/World Cup.

  • Dutch mayonnaise is people.

  • Belgium is just a part of Holland the Dutch did not want any more.

  • The story of the little Dutch boy who put his finger in a leaking dyke to save his village is true. Sadly they were unable to repair the dyke and he is still there today. Although now he is referred to as the OAP with his finger in the dyke.

  • Elvis is alive and working at a Febo in Amsterdam.

  • Due to the sheer amount of weed present in Holland the entire country is constantly stoned from passive smoke.

  • The Dutch are deeply afraid of heights. Luckily their country is completely flat so this uncontrollable fear has never caused any problems.

  • No matter where you go in the world you will always bump into a Dutch family on Holiday. Neil Armstrong even encountered a Dutch family (Mr & Mrs Van De Leeuwen and their two children, Jan and Frits of Breda) upon arriving on the moon. However, NASA still dense this ever happened.

  • Want to read more lies about the Dutch? Check out Part 4 of this list.

    1 Jun

    I’ve been playing around with the idea of creating some Invading Holland t-shirts and other stuff (mugs, mouse mats, etc) for a while now and I wanted to show you (my brilliant readers) a few early examples and ask; what do you think? Is this something that would seem interesting? Is there anything else you would like to see? All feedback is welcome.

    Also, does anyone know anything about getting stuff like this made?