“I could be over thinking it but it just seems a little too suspicious,” I told my soon to be wife, “One would not have been that suspicious but there are three of them. ”
I read aloud the facebook status updates that had been posted by three of my friends, all of which were along the lines of ‘such-and-such is having a nice lazy day’ and ‘what’s-his-face does not know what to do with his free day’.
On any other weekend this would seem like quite a normal thing to announce to the world. People are entitled to their lazy weekends after all. But this was not just any weekend. This was one of the three weekends left before our wedding. This was one of the weekends when my surprise stag party could be sprung upon me and I have a habit of rambling on like a paranoid conspiracy theorist when I think something is going to happen.
“No, You’re right. I’m over thinking it. I’ll stop.” I said even though my almost wife had not actually said anything. I sat down to drink my tea which was now cold because I had spent so long staring out of the window like an overly enthusiastic neighbourhood watch representative. I put all thought of surprises and stag parties out of my mind… for about 5 seconds.
“It’s just suspicious that they would all post around the same time. I mean… sure there is enough time between each post that makes it seem like it could just be a coincidence but that might all be part of the deception, a cunning attempt to throw me off their trail.”
My soon to be wife just looked at me and blinked as I continued to have a conversation with myself at her.
“I think what I find the most suspicious is the simple fact that they were all up so early to make those posts.”
All the posts had been made around 9am. That’s early when you are a guy, a fact that I often have to remind my soon to be wife of when she tries to wake me up at the ungodly hour of 11am most weekends. The only reason I was up so early now was because I didn’t fancy the idea of being whisked away to my stag party in my boxer shorts (If it was going to happen).
“And they all sent them from their phones too. Well… that could be because they only just woke up and have not gone to the computer yet… you know… a kind of lazy bed status update thing but it could also mean they are already half way here… No. No, you are right. I’m over thinking it again. I’ll stop. It’s probably next weekend.”
I sat down again, sipped my cold tea and put all the suspicious thoughts out of my mind.
“What time do you think we should decide that they definitely are not coming?” I asked.
…To be continued.
England. Home of cricket, good showmanship, afternoon tea, the Queen, Winston Churchill, the British stiff upper lip and now; the classy foil top plastic wine glass (the funniest thing I saw during my recent visit).
On offer at most London train stations the decadent foil top plastic wine glass is available in white, red and rosé. It is perfect for the sophisticated young Englishman on the go who likes to enjoy their train journey in style (and is not too worried about spilling wine all over themselves as the train lurches about). It is also perfect for dinner parties or a quite romantic night in with that special someone since (as the foil top tells us) the plastic glass can be reused.
Anyone can instantly look like a sophisticated Englishman while drinking from the foil top plastic wine glass. It can be enjoyed with a straw for the intellectual look (the foil can be tough so make sure to use strong stabbing motions)…
…or for added sophistication open and leave the foil attached while drinking.
The foil top plastic wine glass has a full bodied, fun and fruity taste with hints of metallic foil and a twang of glue and recyclable plastic (or to put it in a more English way; bloody awful).
1) Buses, phone boxes and letter boxes are all bright red because every English person is colour blind. If buses, phone boxes and letter boxes were not red no one would go anywhere, phone anyone or post anything.
2) The post service in England is called the Royal Mail because the Queen likes to deliver every letter personally (and Prince Philip deals with the overseas post).
3) There are sharks in the Thames.
4) No one has ever told the Queen that we lost the empire a very long time ago. It is every English person’s responsibility to make sure she never finds out.
5) Every English person can quote every line from Monty Python and Faulty Towers and does so on a daily bases.
6) England is the main importer and exporter of rain and bad weather in Europe.
7) English people like to complain and can complain about anything. Even if there is nothing to complain about the English will complain about the fact that there is nothing to complain about.
8) The English are well known for their politeness, shyness and modesty when it comes to receiving compliments but secretly we crave them, expect them and get quite annoyed if they are not given often enough.
9) If the English ever discover intelligent alien life they ‘will’ try to communicate by simply talking louder and expect to be understood (most likely while bartering for the intergalactic equivalent of a Spanish straw Donkey).
10) England is doomed if anyone ever figures out that the easiest way to bring the country to its knees is to cut off the supply of tea. The English are basically addicted to tea like drug addicts are addicted to crack. Have you ever seen a tea intervention? It ain’t pretty.
11) Those who use bad grammar are either executed or exiled to another country (why do you think I live in Holland?).
12) British Rail is well known for its train delays. There are still steam trains that are delayed due to leaves on the line.
13) Every English person has a butler. Even butlers have butlers.
Want to read more lies about the English? Check out Part 3 of this list.
Dutch houses (particularly those found in Amsterdam) are extremely dangerous and under no circumstances should they be bought, rented, lived in, squatted, visited or stepped foot there in. When looking for accommodation in Holland it is advised to consider the much safer alternative of living on the streets. Anyone who has spent any amount of time in a Dutch abode (and has lived to tell the tale) will be able to tell you about their many strange quarks and dangers. An Englishman’s home might be his castle but a Dutchman’s home is a deathtrap.
Possibly the greatest health hazard that exists in a Dutch house are Dutch stairs. Dutch stairs are widely regarded as the most dangerous type of stairs in the world for one simple reason; they are insanely steep. So steep in fact that they are better thought of as ladders and in the case of spiral stair cases; twisty ladders.
Descending Dutch stairs is extra dangerous. Even people who have been living in Dutch homes for a very long time can still fall victim to them because (as well as being very steep) Dutch stairs are very patient.
All it takes is one sleepy morning when you forget that you are wearing your pair of extra slippery socks and one quick unexpected vertical trip later you will have a bruise the size of Belgium on your ass (possibly with a neighboring country on the other cheek). And god forbid that there is a window at the bottom of those stairs because if there is you might find yourself suddenly propelled across the street into a nearby canal (as I once nearly was).
As a rule, if your Dutch living-abode includes an upstairs area it is simply safer to forget that it exists at all and sleep in the living room, kitchen or hallway. This has the added benefit of giving the mice their own area of the house because as we all know every Dutch house comes with mice as standard (and can be very territorial).
If fear of falling down the stairs is not enough to made you feel uncertain about your balance then the fact that almost every Dutch house leans will not help matters. One of the side effects of building houses on areas that used to be swamp or a part of the sea before they got filled in is that the ground is very soft and houses tend to develop a ‘slight’ tilt over time. The combination of Dutch stairs and tilting floors often gives the feeling of living in a fun ground fun house.
As well as interfering with your sense of balance this presents a very real danger that one day your whole house might slide off into the adjacent canal. This is particularly alarming if it is only discover upon waking up in your bed as it floats alongside a canal tour boat. For this reason it is strongly advised to have a hard hat and some sort of flotation device nearby at all times.
It is not all bad though. The one thing you don’t have to worry about in a Dutch house is the wiring. With everything else that can go wrong you would be forgiven for thinking that the fuses would need changing every time you so much as point at an electrical outlet. However, as luck would have it Dutch fuses are extremely strong and will survive the greatest of electrical fires. Even if every single lighting fixture and electrical appliance is flickering like an evil spirit is trying to manifest itself you do not have to worry about the electricity failing (and that it is most likely those mice chewing threw the cables again since they have finished your favorite box of cereal).
It is a comforting thought to know that when your house has burnt down to the ground and all your worldly possessions are gone you will still be able to salvage the fuses from the wreckage for use in your next Dutch house (if you choose to take the risk again).