26 Jun

The terrifying events of last summer seemed like a distant half forgotten memory but we were too quick to celebrate in our victory. All the time our enemy was regrouping and re-planning as they watched us from the shadows with their hungry eyes. We were too blind to take notice of the early warning signs. When they descended upon us again we were unprepared. We were defenceless. We were fools. The yearly cycle has begun again and the mosquito horde has returned to feast upon us.

The little flying Nosferatu have abandoned the stealth tactics they used last year in favour of physiological warfare. They are no longer content with silently sucking on my blood while I sleep; unaware of the unauthorised blood donation that is taking place. Instead they purposely torment me by trying to use my ear as a landing pad every time I close my eyes. They won’t let me sleep. Sometimes I even think I can hear them laughing evilly as they buzz past.

I am not sure why they have chosen to do this. Either the mental torment makes the blood taste sweeter or they simply like to see me slap myself in the side of the head every time I try in vane to hit them when they land.

Every night I eventually pass out from exhaustion, unless I hit myself in the side of the head hard enough to render myself unconscious first. When I wake up the next morning I have enough bite marks for a thoroughly engrossing game of connect the dots (which I expect one day to reveal a hidden mosquito message).

The mosquitoes have pushed me too far. I am not taking it any more. I am going to take the fight to them using Rambo style tactics and as much bug spray as I can get my hands on. I have already stock piled so many mosquito death devices that it probably won’t be long before the UN is knocking on my door to investigate reports of WMDs on the premises. However, the only WMDs they will find will be Weapons of Mosquito Destruction.

This is my declaration of war on all mosquitoes every where. Let this day be marked in history. We will no longer let their crimes go unpunished. No longer will we allow them to steal our blood. No longer will we put up with annoying itchy bite marks. No longer will we do nothing while their buzzing keeps us awake. Today we stand! Today we fight! Who’s with me?

11 Jun

Everyone loves a party but not all parties are successful. It’s hard to tell why some are, “off the hook,” where others fail. However, after much experimentation I believe I have come up with the formula for the perfect party. I have scientifically extracted the best parts from different kinds of parties and combined them into one. If my calculations are correct the results should be amazing. If I am wrong the party could become unstable and explode, resulting in the destruction of 65% of the planet.

Party goers are required to adhere to the fancy dress code of a Halloween party combined with the pajama wearing and pillow fighting of a slumber party. Once everyone has arrived the party will start with the gift giving and receiving that takes place at Christmas parties minus rubbish presents like socks.

Jelly, ice-cream and a variety of other party foods often found at a child’s birthday party will then be served on brightly coloured paper plates with images of Thomas the Tank Engine on them. A bouncy castle and ball pen will also be available. Games of pass the parcel, musical chairs and other party favourites will take place through out the night.

There will be a photocopier available for the party goers who wish to partake in the traditional ass photocopying that often takes place at office parties. There will also be the random guilt free destruction of the host’s property that takes place at all house warming parties.

The fruit punch will be spiked like any good college celebration and there will be more alcoholic beverages available then can be found hidden in any dorm room. At the beginning of the night the DJ will start by playing the best of 80s party music and slowly work his way up to the best of present day party music by the end of the night. At least one swaying person who is too drunk to dance should be on the dance floor at all times (during the night this number might multiply).

At midnight there will be the count down and mandatory kissing that takes place at all New Years Eve parties before everyone passes out in awkward positions that would make even a circus contortionist cry out in pain.

Finally it is very important that everyone is leg less by the end of the night and can’t remember anything the next morning. This is required so proper scientific readings can be taken to measure how successful the party experiment really was. As all good scientists know the only way to measure how much fun a party goer had is by seeing how hung over they feel the next morning.

Scientist: “How was the party last night?”
Party Goer: “It was great, amazing, fantastic… I can’t see anymore.”