“It’s not a circle party. I promise,” the host of the party that is apparently not a circle party tries to assure me.
Ever since I wrote about the phenomenon of Dutch Circle Parties everyone has become very nervous about inviting me to parties. It is as if they think of me as some sort of secret party critic who will sit in the corner (if I can find one) , quietly judging their party based on how Dutch it is. They will often take drastic steps in an attempt to stop their party becoming the typical kind of Dutch Circle Party that I write about. Unfortunately, in their desperation, they tend to take the name ‘Circle Party’ a little too literally.
“See. The chairs are not in a circle,” the host happily points out when I later arrive at the party. “We arranged them in a triangle instead.”
I silently nod and make a mental note to rate the party in my review book later.
This happens a lot. The problem is no one seems to realize that a circle party does not specifically require the chairs to be arranged in a circle. In fact, any attempt to arrange the seating in a different shape will still result in a circle party. Triangles, squares, rectangles, dodecahedrons, artistically abstract squiggly random shapes will all still end with the same outcome.
Allow me to explain it scientifically…
A circle party is actually any party where the chairs have been arranged in any shape or pattern that forms a closed loop. There are other scientific factors that must be present such as tea, cake and someone’s grandmother but the primary factor is a seating arrangement that creates a closed loop of social interaction. It does not actually have to be round. Dutch Circle party was just a catchier name then ‘Dutch Closed Loop Party’.
“It’s not a circle. See. We left a gap,” the host will sometimes say.
This might seem like a good solution to the problem. However, even if there is a ‘break’ in the loop it merely creates a section where the party guests have to talk a little louder to hear each other over the space between seats. The ‘circle’ still exists even if you cannot see it. It is being created by your guests. They will most likely draw their seats closer together anyway, thus closing the physical loop as well.
“We made two seating areas instead of one,” the host will try if they are getting desperate.
Good idea. Unfortunately all you have achieved is the creation of two circle parties in one, thus doubling the circle-ness of your circle party… In trying to stop the circle party from happening you have only made it stronger. Plus your Dutch guests will inevitably merge the two circles together, dragging the seating over from one to the other. It is their natural instinct.
“What are birthday parties like in England then?” The party host will often ask me in a slightly annoyed tone at the end of the mid-party scientific lecture as I put my flip board away.
The difference is usually that there are less seats than guests. Thus, guests are free to move around the party like particles colliding with each other, spilling their drinks. This is because they lack the constraints of a physical chair… This idea usually freaks the Dutch party host out because they cannot imagine a party without adequate seating… or with music loud enough to require occasionally shouting to be heard… or a party that starts after 7pm instead of finishing before it.
You people are terrible… I confess my terrible struggle with Speculoos addiction to you and what do you do? How do you help me? Do you offer words of encouragement? Do you organise surprise interventions? Do you help me through the difficult stages of Speculoos withdrawal? No. You find even more speculoos products for me to become addicted to.
“Hey Stuart. Did you know you can get chunky Speculoos spread too?”
“Have you tried this Speculoos ice-cream? It is so good.”
“Would you like a Speculoos Easter Egg Stuart?”
“Stuart! You simply must try this Speculoos pasta sauce!”
Ok, I might have made that last one up but that does not make my point any less valid.
Some of you have even sent me ‘free samples’ likes some kind of Speculoos drug dealer trying to get me hooked on the latest Speculoos product, each of you trying to find the strangest and weirdest Speculoos/random food combination possible.
And what is the latest product you have found? What is the newest thing you are all trying to get me addicted too?…
Speculoos Alcohol!
Great! Now my Speculoos problem is in danger of becoming a drinking problem… I never thought Speculoos would be able to give me liver damage. Thanks a bunch.
“Your highness. Now that you have been successfully crowned William-Alexander, King of The Netherlands how would you like the occasion to be remembered? Your face will already adorn our nations stamps and its currency but perhaps we should name a street in your honour… or an entire city maybe… Possibly we could erect a mighty statue which captures your majestic likeness or build a great structure of architectural marvel in your name to show your strength. How my lord? How would you like to be remembered?”
“With none of these things.”
“My lord?”
“I desire something truly fitting of a king. Something that the people will remembered me for forever, for generations to come.”
“But how my lord?”
“This… this is how I wish to be remembered…”
“… The orange King’s Burger!”
And so the time has finally arrived for Queen Beatrix to retire from her daily 9 to 5 and hand the family business over to her son Willem-Alexander. For Beatrix this means more free time and maybe a new hobby or two. For Alexander it means following in his mothers footsteps and giving up any dreams he might have had of becoming a dancer (or maybe I’m getting mixed up with the plot of Billy Eliot). And for Alexander’s wife it means she will become Queen Maxima, a title that makes her sound like a bond villain.
But more importantly; for the Dutch people it means everything will change. No longer will they celebrate Queen’s Day by dressing up in more orange than is fashionably sensible and getting as drunk as possible before 11am. Instead they will celebrate King’s day by dressing up in more orange than is fashionably sensible and getting as drunk as possible before 11am… It will take some getting used to.
Luckily the Dutch royal family have a habit of being born around the same time of year so the date will only shift from April 30th (Queen Juliana B-day) to April 27th (King Alexander’s B-day). At least it will just as soon as everyone can work out what to call it… Koningsdag? Koningdag?
But for now:
Still unsure what it is all about? Check out:
The Invading Holland Guide to Queen’s Day
Also check out the amazing
Queen’s Day Photo Book project
Last year I declared myself the new king of Holland. A few months ago the Queen announced her abdication. Now you can show your support for King Stu this Queen’s Day with the ‘Stuart for King Badge’.
Details:
The “Stuart for King” badge is a multi-functional badge that can be worn on coats, jackets, jumpers, shirts, t-shirts, bag straps, bags, back packs, back pack straps and a wide variety of items that badges can usually be pinned to. It’s 35mm in diameter and comes with the extra bonus that if King Stuart sees you wearing it he will say hello.
Prices & Discounts:
Badges cost 1.40 each. The cost of delivery is included in the price which means you don’t have to pay anything extra. And as an bonus; if you order ten badges you get an extra one for free!
Ordering:
If you would like to have your very own ‘Stuart for King’ Badge you can do so by sending an email to the following address:
shop@invadingholland.com
Be sure to include how many badges you would like and which address you want them sent to. I (King Stuart) can then send you an official invoice along with information on how you can pay for your order (by direct bank transfer or PayPal). Invading Holland T-Shirts are also still available here.
I am still hard at work on the official webshop which is part of a new redesign for the whole site. I hope to have it ready soon but it’s amazing how much longer things take when you become a father.
Future Badges:
If these badges sell well I plan to get more made using some of the other Invader Stu cartoons. Maybe you have one in mind that you would like to see in badge form. Mention it in the comments and I will put it into a future post where you guys get to vote on what the next Invading Holland badge will be.
Legal Stuff
Invading Holland Designs / KvK Number: 55885551 / Postbus 91248 3007ME Rotterdam
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