Wed
19 Nov
Sinterklaas Holiday
This cartoon first appeared in the November/December edition of DUTCH:The Magazine
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Fri
14 Nov

The Sinterklaas Guide

November and December can be a very confusing time of year for expats in Holland, especially for those who have never heard the name Sinterklaas or seen a Zwarte Piet before.

Who is Sinterklaas?

If you were to ask a Dutch Person who Sinterklaas is the basic description you’d receive would be something along the lines of, “He is a very nice old man who has a long white beard, dresses in red and gives presents in December to all the good girls and boys.”

Sinterklaas vs. Santa

Whatever you do, do not follow this up by asking them how that makes him any different from Santa, not unless you want to seriously damage diplomatic relations between Holland and your own country. Santa and Sinterklaas are two very different people. They just happen to work in the same area of business. There are several very key differences for identifying them:

1) Santa Claus comes from the North Pole but Sinterklaas comes from Spain and saves money on his yearly heating bill.

2) Santa Claus dresses in red with a fluffy white trim but Sinterklaas goes with the slightly more fashionable gold trim and accessorizes with a staff.

3) Santa Claus delivers presents on the night of December 24th but Sinterklaas arrives in Holland in the middle of November, does some sightseeing, delivers presents on the 5th of December and returns home in time to enjoy a quiet Christmas.

4) Santa Claus flies to his destination but Sinterklaas arrives by steam boat. It is still unknown if this difference is because Sinterklaas is afraid of flying or Santa is afraid of water.

5) Santa Claus rides on a sledge pulled by 12 over worked reindeer but Sinterklaas rides a single white horse called Amerigo, saves money on animal feed and has to remember less names.

6) Santa Claus puts presents for children under a Christmas tree but Sinterklaas puts presents in children’s shoes regardless of how smelly they are.

7) Santa Claus has an elf equal opportunities program which has helped keep the fairytale creature unemployment rate down. Sinterklaas also has an equal opportunities program and employs Zwarte Pieten who suffer from A.D.D and regularly get their shoe polish mixed up with their face cream.

8) Santa Claus gives a lump of coal to children who have been naughty so that they might learn from their mistakes. Sinterklaas on the other hand has a zero tolerance policy and orders Zwarte Piet to throw naughty children into a sack and drag them back to Spain while beating them with twigs.

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Looking for more? Find a full list of all humorous sinterklaas guides and posts right here:
All About Sinterklaas

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Mon
10 Nov

Lies About The English

1) The English are only polite to hide the terrible secret they keep.

2) Contrary to popular belief the English did not invent the English language. They simply found it in a book one day.

3) The English have very strict rules about queuing. Anyone who is caught breaking those rules is held in the tower of London indefinitely.

4) No one knows where the Thames River came from. It simply appeared over night in 1972.

5) It is always raining in England. Any photo you have seen to the contrary has been altered in photoshop.

6) Downton Abby is an accurate depiction of modern day England.

7) Everyone in England must wear bowler hats. It is the law.

8) The English don’t need to spell things differently. They just like to annoy the Americans.

9) If an Englishman ever offers you the last biscuit do not take it. It is a test and if you take it you will fail.

10) If an Englishman ever turns something down out of politeness it is secretly the thing they desire the most.

11) The easiest way to trap two Englishman in one location is to present them with an open door. They will become stuck in a politeness loop as they take turns in saying, “No. I insist. After you.”

12) Tea is a highly addictive drug. The English don’t actually like drinking it but they can’t kick the habit either.

13) And most importantly of all; none of which you have just read is the terrible secret which the English hide behind their politeness.

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What to know more? Check out more lies about the Dutch and the English:
Lies about the Dutch
More Lies about the Dutch
Even More Lies About The Dutch
Some More Lies About The Dutch
Lies about the English
More Lies about the English
Even More Lies About The English

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Tue
28 Oct
Halloween in Holland

“By the time we realized anything was wrong it was too late. Holland was the first to fall.”

Happy Halloween from Invading Holland.

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Wed
22 Oct

English Quote

THE WIFE
“Ugh. I just can’t seem to speak right English today.”

ME
“You seem to be doing fine to me.”

THE WIFE
“You’re just say that. English is easy for you since it’s your first language.”

ME
“Yeah but just because I’m English does not mean I’m good at speaking it.”

THE WIFE
“But you should at least be better at speaking English than you can Dutch.”

ME
“Not necessarily. English or Dutch. I’ll freely mess up both. I don’t limit my linguistic errors to just one language.”

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